Pressure much?

It's been a week. I found myself after last Sunday being on top of everything suddenly feeling the pain of trying to do too much once again throughout the week. The schedule I have is difficult at best. When I found myself falling behind (because I decided that I needed to sleep rather than stay awake until all hours trying to get grades in) I began to hear the old tapes playing again. I felt for a little bit that I had fallen into old habits.


Wednesday night was really hard. I have a student that frankly, I loathe. He's disrespectful and rude. He's a "know it all" but knows little or nothing. He is confrontational to the extreme. He also reminds me of people that have abused me in the past, making the situation that much harder. It took until today to piece it all together in my brain. I still have these weird reactions to past triggers. I'm told this is "normal" but it's not acceptable. I have been sitting in my office now trying to sort it out in my brain.

Part of me says, you got out of the "real abuse" some 18 years ago. Part of me says, you were emotionally beaten up in your last marriage and that was only what? Three years or so? Then there was the rant of a few weeks ago that kicked up all of the past at once.

The aftermath of being abused is complex. I'm mostly fine though, and able to get on with the major tasks each day. The program is helping me to handle the emotional roller coaster with more grace than ever before, but it's still hard. It's still a battle to not want to drive off into the distance and start over somewhere.

But I know the ghosts will follow me. They always follow you. That's the problem. You are plagued by them and they never give you any warning.

And I've had a physical challenge this week as well that has precluded my willingness to cleanse this weekend. It will hold until next week though. That I am certain of. My weight has stalled too. Not a shock, given that I'm working on a heavy emotional purge at present. Once I sort it out, I think I'll be fine again.

Yes, I need to get my head wrapped around why this student is making me so uncomfortable and settle that out. I will not allow that person to bring me to my knees and give up. That determination is a new feeling for me. So, the plan for this week:

• Get a handle on the stress
• Get the grading and work cleared over the rest of today and tomorrow
• Address the issues with the student next week before class
• Not give up on myself

This is NOT harder that what I faced over the past few years. A little minor setback is okay. Keeps you humble, ya know?