Memories: Going Backward to Go Forward

It didn't start out like this. Back in the 1972 I had a clear path in mind. Go to college, get my degree, work as a music therapist, get married, have a family, live in a nice apartment in Manhattan, retire and travel. I had it all figured out. It was pretty simple really and was "what was expected of me" by family, friends, and society at large.

I discovered the program I was in at NYU wasn't recognized outside of NYC at the time. I realized just how much I hated being a music major. I had made a classic and tragic mistake. What I needed was to take time off from school and regroup. Rethink my plan. My love affair, my big relationship had fallen apart anyhow. It was obvious to me that I would never get married. I needed time. So, I left school, ended up being kicked out of the house and went to work.

It's funny how earning money changed everything. Why go to school? It was the mid 1970s and you didn't need a degree to work back then. Or to meet people and date. I had a full social life. I had "friends" and people to occupy my time. Somehow I ended up at a party in Philadelphia and met my first husband there.

We dated (that' a euphemism for sleeping together), moved in together and even went into business together. Eventually, as all our friends got married, we did the same thing. It seemed like the thing to do. The business eventually failed and I went to work again in an office. Soon after that I was pregnant with my daughter. I stopped working and he worked for my father. The marriage was really dead by then, but I was pregnant.

My daughter wasn't even two when I met husband number two. He was charming, musical, literate, and everything my husband wasn't. He was a musician (which is to say he was poorer than dirt) and he lived in the East Village of NYC in a tenement apartment. His shower was a metal stall next to the sink (the kind you see in cheap offices) with a garbage bag for a curtain. But you could buy a bar of Ivory soap for under a dollar, so he was always clean. I was taken by the lifestyle. I was jealous of his freedom and the first marriage ended (it would have eventually anyhow) and the next decade changed everything.

No one gets into a relationship thinking, "This is going to be awesome! I can hardly wait for the abuse to begin." It wasn't like that. It was slow and subtle. It wasn't daily or even weekly. I should have run at the first signs I suppose. People always ask me why I remained. The reason was simple: Where else could I go? I had a toddler, no real job at this point, who would want me? My ex reinforced this over and over. Still, we played music and were developing a following. Even got signed to Kicking Mule Records in CA and produced some 8 albums (mostly independent), a songbook, and I wrote a book that was published. We toured the country and lived in a van. I didn't notice that I was completely isolated from a support network. I never really noticed how horrible it was, because on a day to day basis it wasn't. The road was open, the National Parks exquisite, the fans adoring. We were poor, but I didn't really notice how bad it was. I suppose if you do notice it you die. Oh wait, I was becoming more and more suicidal as time went on. The adventure of living on the road was waning and my tolerance for "soup" made out of hot water, ketchup, and crackers had lost the sense of righteousness it once had. I was tired and had gained so much weight. I didn't know who I was when I saw my reflection in the mirror.

May 16, 1992 I found the courage to make it end.

The next two years were spent trying to find a balance. An acquaintance from CA, someone who had helped to support the music became a friend. Eventually he became my third husband. He told me I was worthwhile. He supported my going back to work. He was even supportive when I went back for my undergraduate degree. He smiled when I said I was going to go for my Masters. But things began to change as I succeeded in school. (I maintained a perfect 4.0 throughout my entire academic journey) He pulled away more and more. We were no longer intimate at all. (By the end it would be seven years in total that he didn't touch me) It wasn't abusive, it was just wrong. I started to seek physical and emotional comfort elsewhere. The marriage was falling apart even as we "opened it" in a vain attempt to relieve the tension of no sex.

May 11, 2007 I came home and found him packing a box. He informed me we were getting divorced and selling our home.

I had to put my PhD on hold for a year as we (Mae, Jo, and myself) struggled to find a new home. Help came from the oddest places (for which I will be eternally grateful -- even if the parties involved have left our lives) and we found a smaller house in Mount Holly. Our little "Rabbit Hole" and refuge. It's a work in progress still. We all are.

In the time after the third (and by far ugliest divorce) and now I've seen my weight go up and down. My health has deteriorated and improved. My gallbladder was removed even as I almost died on the table. I've landed a full time position at Strayer and could make a lifetime career here if I choose to. And I've completed the PhD.

The nutritional program has given me new strength and clarity in only two weeks time. It's still too early to say if this is the answer to a lifestyle change for the long term. I won't lie. It's not always easy, but it gets easier. It's not always fun, but the benefits outweigh the negatives right now. I've lost about six pounds since I began (hard to be certain digital scales being what they are and the rain being what it is and all).

What I do know is this: I completed the hardest degree I've ever attempted. I overcame more obstacles in the past few years than most people need to or should have to in a lifetime. My family at home is whole and we are all healing together. In our own ways.

People have cut me out of their lives as I've cut others from my life. I'm meeting new people and perhaps embarking on developing a few new friendships. And when I look in the mirror, while I may not always know how I got here exactly, I know that here is good place to be.