Time evaporates faster as you get older. Or as the quarter slips away. Take your pick. It's been intense these past few weeks.
For one, it's the "dark time" of the year for me. I slipped into a really bad depression a few weeks back. Life just got to be too much and the memories of the past were winning. Then Macy's Day happened. Well, at least I think it happened. I spent that whole weekend really sick. The kind of sick that worries everyone around you and end up calling 911 because everyone around you thinks you're having a heart attack. That's just silly. I'm a professor and we all know that professors lack hearts.
It wasn't my heart. It was Stomach Plague v. 2.0. In living color, with surround sound, and 3D. In short, it was horrible. Then it took almost another whole week to get back to feeling normal (or some close approximation of normal anyhow).
Funny thing though, it gave me lots of time to think, reflect and reconsider some things in my life. I've started to look at other possibilities for work now. Send out query letters for other teaching positions here and abroad. Been thinking about maybe it being time to leave this region. I don't know for sure if that's truly in the cards. The house is worth much less than I owe (thank you economy) so selling is not really an option. Still, I'll keep an open mind and see what happens. I guess the realization of the terminal degree has been hard too. Nothing dramatic happened. I feel duped. Everyone said, "it will open so many new doors" that I was hoping it would be instant. I knew it couldn't be that way, but still, I hoped. Well, one big thing happened. The dissertation is being turned into a book by a company in Germany of all places. I'll post the ISBN when it's assigned to me. And then giggle.
I had car trouble a week ago. Nothing major as it turned out (deep sigh of relief) but it made me realize how truly alone I am in the world. This doesn't mean that my family isn't precious to me, they are. But as I sat in the car waiting for AAA to arrive I realized that I was alone. It hit hard. A defining moment in some ways (though that might sound odd) as I had to deal with the reality of there being no one in the world that "takes care of me" no special someone that will "rescue" me or even lend a hand. At least it happened at a McDs parking lot so I had a bathroom nearby. If this sounds silly, remember I lived on the road for four years. Car trouble pushes some deep triggers. In fact, my last marriage was almost based on car issues. Sometimes the ghosts from the past come in the form of getting your battery jumped. Weird.
So, on the issues of the health and weight -- I was able to get into a skirt I bought EIGHT years ago. It fits me again! The scale is broken so I cannot say for sure, but I think it's now around 30 lbs down. And the program continues to amaze me. I continue to feel better when I remember to follow the plan. Being sick for a few days, I lost my way. It's better now.
Now if only the grades would post without me helping the process. Oh well, back to work again and I'll try to remember...I have this blog....
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Where does the time go?
It's been about a week since my last post because life has been, well, hectic. Midterms at Strayer and getting ready to close the books at Drexel for their quarter (heavens forfend that the schools would align!) so I've been doing due diligence as a professor. Lots of grading. Lots of grading with focus and no real issues I should add. In fact, this is usually one of the most stressful times of the year and it's been flowing smoothly and easily. Life is, as they say, pretty darn good.
Today should be a stressful button pushing day. November 9th was my Dad's birthday. He's been gone almost seven years now and I miss him all the time. This is also the beginning of the "dark time" of my year. It's filled with memories of deaths. Mom passed on November 30th 29 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her in some way. Then there's her birthday December 17th and their anniversary the 28th. Dad passed on December 21st. Not a happy season by any measure and usually about now I'm bouncing off the walls and ready to kill anyone who looks at me sideways.
I'm not feeling it this year. I don't think it's the magic of time either. I think the program has done wonders for balancing out my stress and my attitude. I've been feeling hopeful about life. Hopeful about opportunities real and half dreamed. In short, I am at peace in my own skin. Skin that is shrinking I might add. The scale at home is being wonky so I'm not using it really. The variances are too much for me to believe and I haven't taken tape measure to body again, but if my clothing is any indication...I'm smaller. That's all good news, but the really cool part is feeling in control of my life and my choices.
This is the antithesis of being abused. This is the payoff I was told came with the degree being completed. This is the payoff I was told came with leaving an abusive relationship. It literally feels as if the stars have aligned and I'm on my way to something....different. I am leaving myself open to new opportunities, even ones that I might have turned down in the past. I am letting the Universe in all its glory and wisdom guide me this time. It's a change from my past behavior, and it feels right now. This is my time to let things come to me.
Today should be a stressful button pushing day. November 9th was my Dad's birthday. He's been gone almost seven years now and I miss him all the time. This is also the beginning of the "dark time" of my year. It's filled with memories of deaths. Mom passed on November 30th 29 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her in some way. Then there's her birthday December 17th and their anniversary the 28th. Dad passed on December 21st. Not a happy season by any measure and usually about now I'm bouncing off the walls and ready to kill anyone who looks at me sideways.
I'm not feeling it this year. I don't think it's the magic of time either. I think the program has done wonders for balancing out my stress and my attitude. I've been feeling hopeful about life. Hopeful about opportunities real and half dreamed. In short, I am at peace in my own skin. Skin that is shrinking I might add. The scale at home is being wonky so I'm not using it really. The variances are too much for me to believe and I haven't taken tape measure to body again, but if my clothing is any indication...I'm smaller. That's all good news, but the really cool part is feeling in control of my life and my choices.
This is the antithesis of being abused. This is the payoff I was told came with the degree being completed. This is the payoff I was told came with leaving an abusive relationship. It literally feels as if the stars have aligned and I'm on my way to something....different. I am leaving myself open to new opportunities, even ones that I might have turned down in the past. I am letting the Universe in all its glory and wisdom guide me this time. It's a change from my past behavior, and it feels right now. This is my time to let things come to me.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Lesson Learned!
It's been a couple of days since I went back on my program and took it seriously again. The difference is staggering! My mood is even, bordering good (even with stress on campus today). My energy is high again. And in spite of the elections last night, I feel somewhat hopeful. Not for the country, I'm seriously looking at my options to migrate my career and leave the country anyhow. It was a consideration before last night, but the election really pushed me over the edge. We'll see if it's financially feasible first though.
What I feeling is a sense of taking control again. The student that annoys me is in class tonight. I've spoken to him already and pointed out that he needs to keep his mouth shut until I finish presented the concept and to think before he speaks. Ironically, his writing is really quite good. He's thorough and careful with his words when he takes his time. I will work with him in spite of the fact that he triggers all kinds of negative responses (including the ones that say: "you're a dangerous person" to me).
Back to the topic on hand:
So, the program is clearly something that works for me. I can give it my endorsement now without any reservations. It's not like anything I've ever tried before. Yesterday additional product arrived in the form of bars and chocolates. I haven't tried the bars yet, but the chocolate was AMAZING! It tastes like a reasonable dark chocolate and it curbed cravings immediately. I was really pleased.
If you do look at the site I will be honest: Isagenix is MLM (multi level marketing) or Network Marketing. If you wanted to try the product I would gladly sign you up and yes, I could possibly make some money on that transaction. That would be nice, but it's not why I endorse the product. It's not even for the weight loss either (although that's doing its thing too and the inches are fall off - based on my skirts dragging on the floor!) I would suggest it because the stuff works. Yes, it's "expensive" but if you consider the $9/day it costs you how much do most of us spend at Starbucks or DD for a coffee and something? I almost never stop there now. I just don't want it. It balances out. Someone asked me about the program and I said to them, "Are you worth about $300 investment to see if it works?" That's my position on the MLM, if you're interested, serious about wanting to feel better and might want to look at the earning potential (it's there - I personally know many people who have made serious dollars with MLM) then ask away.
I'm staying on the program because the products work. Nothing more. Nothing less (except maybe a little less of me in the not too distant future).
What I feeling is a sense of taking control again. The student that annoys me is in class tonight. I've spoken to him already and pointed out that he needs to keep his mouth shut until I finish presented the concept and to think before he speaks. Ironically, his writing is really quite good. He's thorough and careful with his words when he takes his time. I will work with him in spite of the fact that he triggers all kinds of negative responses (including the ones that say: "you're a dangerous person" to me).
Back to the topic on hand:
So, the program is clearly something that works for me. I can give it my endorsement now without any reservations. It's not like anything I've ever tried before. Yesterday additional product arrived in the form of bars and chocolates. I haven't tried the bars yet, but the chocolate was AMAZING! It tastes like a reasonable dark chocolate and it curbed cravings immediately. I was really pleased.
If you do look at the site I will be honest: Isagenix is MLM (multi level marketing) or Network Marketing. If you wanted to try the product I would gladly sign you up and yes, I could possibly make some money on that transaction. That would be nice, but it's not why I endorse the product. It's not even for the weight loss either (although that's doing its thing too and the inches are fall off - based on my skirts dragging on the floor!) I would suggest it because the stuff works. Yes, it's "expensive" but if you consider the $9/day it costs you how much do most of us spend at Starbucks or DD for a coffee and something? I almost never stop there now. I just don't want it. It balances out. Someone asked me about the program and I said to them, "Are you worth about $300 investment to see if it works?" That's my position on the MLM, if you're interested, serious about wanting to feel better and might want to look at the earning potential (it's there - I personally know many people who have made serious dollars with MLM) then ask away.
I'm staying on the program because the products work. Nothing more. Nothing less (except maybe a little less of me in the not too distant future).
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Pressure much?
It's been a week. I found myself after last Sunday being on top of everything suddenly feeling the pain of trying to do too much once again throughout the week. The schedule I have is difficult at best. When I found myself falling behind (because I decided that I needed to sleep rather than stay awake until all hours trying to get grades in) I began to hear the old tapes playing again. I felt for a little bit that I had fallen into old habits.
Wednesday night was really hard. I have a student that frankly, I loathe. He's disrespectful and rude. He's a "know it all" but knows little or nothing. He is confrontational to the extreme. He also reminds me of people that have abused me in the past, making the situation that much harder. It took until today to piece it all together in my brain. I still have these weird reactions to past triggers. I'm told this is "normal" but it's not acceptable. I have been sitting in my office now trying to sort it out in my brain.
Part of me says, you got out of the "real abuse" some 18 years ago. Part of me says, you were emotionally beaten up in your last marriage and that was only what? Three years or so? Then there was the rant of a few weeks ago that kicked up all of the past at once.
The aftermath of being abused is complex. I'm mostly fine though, and able to get on with the major tasks each day. The program is helping me to handle the emotional roller coaster with more grace than ever before, but it's still hard. It's still a battle to not want to drive off into the distance and start over somewhere.
But I know the ghosts will follow me. They always follow you. That's the problem. You are plagued by them and they never give you any warning.
And I've had a physical challenge this week as well that has precluded my willingness to cleanse this weekend. It will hold until next week though. That I am certain of. My weight has stalled too. Not a shock, given that I'm working on a heavy emotional purge at present. Once I sort it out, I think I'll be fine again.
Yes, I need to get my head wrapped around why this student is making me so uncomfortable and settle that out. I will not allow that person to bring me to my knees and give up. That determination is a new feeling for me. So, the plan for this week:
This is NOT harder that what I faced over the past few years. A little minor setback is okay. Keeps you humble, ya know?
Wednesday night was really hard. I have a student that frankly, I loathe. He's disrespectful and rude. He's a "know it all" but knows little or nothing. He is confrontational to the extreme. He also reminds me of people that have abused me in the past, making the situation that much harder. It took until today to piece it all together in my brain. I still have these weird reactions to past triggers. I'm told this is "normal" but it's not acceptable. I have been sitting in my office now trying to sort it out in my brain.
Part of me says, you got out of the "real abuse" some 18 years ago. Part of me says, you were emotionally beaten up in your last marriage and that was only what? Three years or so? Then there was the rant of a few weeks ago that kicked up all of the past at once.
The aftermath of being abused is complex. I'm mostly fine though, and able to get on with the major tasks each day. The program is helping me to handle the emotional roller coaster with more grace than ever before, but it's still hard. It's still a battle to not want to drive off into the distance and start over somewhere.
But I know the ghosts will follow me. They always follow you. That's the problem. You are plagued by them and they never give you any warning.
And I've had a physical challenge this week as well that has precluded my willingness to cleanse this weekend. It will hold until next week though. That I am certain of. My weight has stalled too. Not a shock, given that I'm working on a heavy emotional purge at present. Once I sort it out, I think I'll be fine again.
Yes, I need to get my head wrapped around why this student is making me so uncomfortable and settle that out. I will not allow that person to bring me to my knees and give up. That determination is a new feeling for me. So, the plan for this week:
- Get a handle on the stress
- Get the grading and work cleared over the rest of today and tomorrow
- Address the issues with the student next week before class
- Not give up on myself
This is NOT harder that what I faced over the past few years. A little minor setback is okay. Keeps you humble, ya know?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Whoa!
(This is possibly TMI for some people as I explore in the blog the joys of being a female. You have been warned.)
So, I know the program is working but my body is in a state of change (pun intended here). Today I was able to identify the "depressed" feeling as PMS and now I know what's next. BUT the program made the usual short temper and snippy attitude go away. Wow! My students are happier for that, even if they didn't know.
What I did discover is that the physical annoyances are being amplified somewhat. The usual feeling of "off" is WAY more noticed now. I have been very dizzy for the past hour or so. Not fun, but in spite of it, I've been able to teach and keep a good mood showing to the world. So, while I'm still feeling the onset of being a female, I am not freaking out.
You know, I'm 55 now and really could be happy without these intrusions in my life every month or so. OTOH, my doctor assures me that this is what is keeping me from not looking my age. I guess vanity is a tradeoff here. What I find really interesting though today is that I am aware of the changes in my body and feel okay about it. Maybe I'm feeling things differently because my body is in a state of healing and moving towards center.
And the more that is happening the happier I've been feeling. And the more confident I feel about who I am now. This is cause for celebration.
Why celebrate? Because for the past few years every single cycle has brought ghosts of the past and the only ghosts I'm feeling are the seasonal ones and the cute ones in store windows. No old tapes. No old anger issues. Just feeling my body without filters from the past. And that my dear reader, is reason to celebrate.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Cleansing Three - The Day After
Wow. Remember that old TV commercial where they sing, "I feel clean. Bah dah dah dah. I feel clean." That's how I feel. Now let me explain quickly here we're talking about an uncomfortable time allowing my body to cleanse. Oh no, this is a deep cleansing on a cellular level.
Yesterday was so much easier. I even found I rather enjoyed the cleansing formula this time around. And it was easier to manage. I did need to have a light snack at the end of the day though. I just know I cannot sleep well on a completely empty tummy. Still, I wasn't hungry all day and that was HUGE compared to the first two. Aside from the physical parts of the day, there was a major change in my behavior: I have taken to leaving my cell phone alone when I'm not expecting specific call(s). Students are going to voice mail and I'm calling them back when I have a moment to really communicate. On my terms, not theirs all the time. It's a matter of boundaries and I'm finding the strength to set them and keep them where they belong.
Today the cellphone....tomorrow...who knows?
I did experience a few moments of sadness during the day. I found myself a several occasions sitting alone in my office staring off into space and realized I had been sad. Not depressed and I couldn't figure out what I was sad about. I think it was just processing events in my life in no particular order. It felt cleansing and not at all upsetting. Just, sad.
Today, I woke up happy again and ready to face the double class day. I start at 11AM and end at 10PM. It's a long day, but I'm in great shape for it. And I'm looking forward to class tonight: Brown vs. Board of Ed and Civil Rights Act of 1964. One of my best classes.
It all ends with the class being divided into two groups. One describes what education would like if Brown hadn't passed, the other looks at where Brown dropped the ball and what should have been included.
Then we take both sides and see how we're doing today in the Second Generation of Rights. It's always a good class. And I have lots of videos to share for tonight as well. Those always add a deeper level to what we're talking about as a group.
Now, off to get the room ready for tonight.
Yesterday was so much easier. I even found I rather enjoyed the cleansing formula this time around. And it was easier to manage. I did need to have a light snack at the end of the day though. I just know I cannot sleep well on a completely empty tummy. Still, I wasn't hungry all day and that was HUGE compared to the first two. Aside from the physical parts of the day, there was a major change in my behavior: I have taken to leaving my cell phone alone when I'm not expecting specific call(s). Students are going to voice mail and I'm calling them back when I have a moment to really communicate. On my terms, not theirs all the time. It's a matter of boundaries and I'm finding the strength to set them and keep them where they belong.
Today the cellphone....tomorrow...who knows?
I did experience a few moments of sadness during the day. I found myself a several occasions sitting alone in my office staring off into space and realized I had been sad. Not depressed and I couldn't figure out what I was sad about. I think it was just processing events in my life in no particular order. It felt cleansing and not at all upsetting. Just, sad.
Today, I woke up happy again and ready to face the double class day. I start at 11AM and end at 10PM. It's a long day, but I'm in great shape for it. And I'm looking forward to class tonight: Brown vs. Board of Ed and Civil Rights Act of 1964. One of my best classes.
It all ends with the class being divided into two groups. One describes what education would like if Brown hadn't passed, the other looks at where Brown dropped the ball and what should have been included.
Then we take both sides and see how we're doing today in the Second Generation of Rights. It's always a good class. And I have lots of videos to share for tonight as well. Those always add a deeper level to what we're talking about as a group.
Now, off to get the room ready for tonight.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Third Cleaning - In progress
I'll be honest. I don't usually look forward to these days because they usually mean "don't leave home!" Today I woke up and was trying to decide if the cleanse was even a good idea. I sort of feel like maybe I have PMS (then again, who knows with my body?) so I considered not doing it.
After a conversation with myself that went something like this:
Me: You know you should cleanse. You'll so much better tomorrow.
Self: Eh. Don't really care.
Me: If you're not going to cleanse then ask yourself what's really behind that thinking.
Self: Lazy? Have SO MUCH work? Don't wanna.
Me: Not good enough. Try again.
Self: I don't have anything.
Me: Then hush up and do it. You'll be better off for it.
I won the argument and began the cleanse. I'm halfway through now and most of the way through my work for the day as well. Amazing.
And I'm smiling. Still don't feel entirely safe about the leaving the house thing, but it's not as bad as the first two weeks. I even found I liked the taste this week.
I've also set up my "website" about the program. Which is to say, I have used the template provided. Here's the deal. I'm not doing this to get rich. I'm doing this to get healthy. My results have been nothing short of a miracle. I have been losing weight and feeling great. I have focus where I used to have none. I have energy where I was dragging (and with my schedule that speaks volumes!). I feel happy where I was always stressed out. So, if you're interested in seeing the whole program go here and poke around. I have the site set to talk about nutrition first because that's why I'm doing the program.
If you're curious about trying it DO NOT ORDER ANYTHING FROM THE SITE because the prices are not what you can really pay for them. If you're local, then call me and I'll arrange a "tasting" for you to try it out first. If you want more details, email me and I will be happy to talk to you about this and answer your questions.
Now, it's back to work for me so I can finish everything today in time for Dexter tonight.
After a conversation with myself that went something like this:
Me: You know you should cleanse. You'll so much better tomorrow.
Self: Eh. Don't really care.
Me: If you're not going to cleanse then ask yourself what's really behind that thinking.
Self: Lazy? Have SO MUCH work? Don't wanna.
Me: Not good enough. Try again.
Self: I don't have anything.
Me: Then hush up and do it. You'll be better off for it.
I won the argument and began the cleanse. I'm halfway through now and most of the way through my work for the day as well. Amazing.
And I'm smiling. Still don't feel entirely safe about the leaving the house thing, but it's not as bad as the first two weeks. I even found I liked the taste this week.
I've also set up my "website" about the program. Which is to say, I have used the template provided. Here's the deal. I'm not doing this to get rich. I'm doing this to get healthy. My results have been nothing short of a miracle. I have been losing weight and feeling great. I have focus where I used to have none. I have energy where I was dragging (and with my schedule that speaks volumes!). I feel happy where I was always stressed out. So, if you're interested in seeing the whole program go here and poke around. I have the site set to talk about nutrition first because that's why I'm doing the program.
If you're curious about trying it DO NOT ORDER ANYTHING FROM THE SITE because the prices are not what you can really pay for them. If you're local, then call me and I'll arrange a "tasting" for you to try it out first. If you want more details, email me and I will be happy to talk to you about this and answer your questions.
Now, it's back to work for me so I can finish everything today in time for Dexter tonight.
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