Time evaporates faster as you get older. Or as the quarter slips away. Take your pick. It's been intense these past few weeks.
For one, it's the "dark time" of the year for me. I slipped into a really bad depression a few weeks back. Life just got to be too much and the memories of the past were winning. Then Macy's Day happened. Well, at least I think it happened. I spent that whole weekend really sick. The kind of sick that worries everyone around you and end up calling 911 because everyone around you thinks you're having a heart attack. That's just silly. I'm a professor and we all know that professors lack hearts.
It wasn't my heart. It was Stomach Plague v. 2.0. In living color, with surround sound, and 3D. In short, it was horrible. Then it took almost another whole week to get back to feeling normal (or some close approximation of normal anyhow).
Funny thing though, it gave me lots of time to think, reflect and reconsider some things in my life. I've started to look at other possibilities for work now. Send out query letters for other teaching positions here and abroad. Been thinking about maybe it being time to leave this region. I don't know for sure if that's truly in the cards. The house is worth much less than I owe (thank you economy) so selling is not really an option. Still, I'll keep an open mind and see what happens. I guess the realization of the terminal degree has been hard too. Nothing dramatic happened. I feel duped. Everyone said, "it will open so many new doors" that I was hoping it would be instant. I knew it couldn't be that way, but still, I hoped. Well, one big thing happened. The dissertation is being turned into a book by a company in Germany of all places. I'll post the ISBN when it's assigned to me. And then giggle.
I had car trouble a week ago. Nothing major as it turned out (deep sigh of relief) but it made me realize how truly alone I am in the world. This doesn't mean that my family isn't precious to me, they are. But as I sat in the car waiting for AAA to arrive I realized that I was alone. It hit hard. A defining moment in some ways (though that might sound odd) as I had to deal with the reality of there being no one in the world that "takes care of me" no special someone that will "rescue" me or even lend a hand. At least it happened at a McDs parking lot so I had a bathroom nearby. If this sounds silly, remember I lived on the road for four years. Car trouble pushes some deep triggers. In fact, my last marriage was almost based on car issues. Sometimes the ghosts from the past come in the form of getting your battery jumped. Weird.
So, on the issues of the health and weight -- I was able to get into a skirt I bought EIGHT years ago. It fits me again! The scale is broken so I cannot say for sure, but I think it's now around 30 lbs down. And the program continues to amaze me. I continue to feel better when I remember to follow the plan. Being sick for a few days, I lost my way. It's better now.
Now if only the grades would post without me helping the process. Oh well, back to work again and I'll try to remember...I have this blog....
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Where does the time go?
It's been about a week since my last post because life has been, well, hectic. Midterms at Strayer and getting ready to close the books at Drexel for their quarter (heavens forfend that the schools would align!) so I've been doing due diligence as a professor. Lots of grading. Lots of grading with focus and no real issues I should add. In fact, this is usually one of the most stressful times of the year and it's been flowing smoothly and easily. Life is, as they say, pretty darn good.
Today should be a stressful button pushing day. November 9th was my Dad's birthday. He's been gone almost seven years now and I miss him all the time. This is also the beginning of the "dark time" of my year. It's filled with memories of deaths. Mom passed on November 30th 29 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her in some way. Then there's her birthday December 17th and their anniversary the 28th. Dad passed on December 21st. Not a happy season by any measure and usually about now I'm bouncing off the walls and ready to kill anyone who looks at me sideways.
I'm not feeling it this year. I don't think it's the magic of time either. I think the program has done wonders for balancing out my stress and my attitude. I've been feeling hopeful about life. Hopeful about opportunities real and half dreamed. In short, I am at peace in my own skin. Skin that is shrinking I might add. The scale at home is being wonky so I'm not using it really. The variances are too much for me to believe and I haven't taken tape measure to body again, but if my clothing is any indication...I'm smaller. That's all good news, but the really cool part is feeling in control of my life and my choices.
This is the antithesis of being abused. This is the payoff I was told came with the degree being completed. This is the payoff I was told came with leaving an abusive relationship. It literally feels as if the stars have aligned and I'm on my way to something....different. I am leaving myself open to new opportunities, even ones that I might have turned down in the past. I am letting the Universe in all its glory and wisdom guide me this time. It's a change from my past behavior, and it feels right now. This is my time to let things come to me.
Today should be a stressful button pushing day. November 9th was my Dad's birthday. He's been gone almost seven years now and I miss him all the time. This is also the beginning of the "dark time" of my year. It's filled with memories of deaths. Mom passed on November 30th 29 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her in some way. Then there's her birthday December 17th and their anniversary the 28th. Dad passed on December 21st. Not a happy season by any measure and usually about now I'm bouncing off the walls and ready to kill anyone who looks at me sideways.
I'm not feeling it this year. I don't think it's the magic of time either. I think the program has done wonders for balancing out my stress and my attitude. I've been feeling hopeful about life. Hopeful about opportunities real and half dreamed. In short, I am at peace in my own skin. Skin that is shrinking I might add. The scale at home is being wonky so I'm not using it really. The variances are too much for me to believe and I haven't taken tape measure to body again, but if my clothing is any indication...I'm smaller. That's all good news, but the really cool part is feeling in control of my life and my choices.
This is the antithesis of being abused. This is the payoff I was told came with the degree being completed. This is the payoff I was told came with leaving an abusive relationship. It literally feels as if the stars have aligned and I'm on my way to something....different. I am leaving myself open to new opportunities, even ones that I might have turned down in the past. I am letting the Universe in all its glory and wisdom guide me this time. It's a change from my past behavior, and it feels right now. This is my time to let things come to me.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Lesson Learned!
It's been a couple of days since I went back on my program and took it seriously again. The difference is staggering! My mood is even, bordering good (even with stress on campus today). My energy is high again. And in spite of the elections last night, I feel somewhat hopeful. Not for the country, I'm seriously looking at my options to migrate my career and leave the country anyhow. It was a consideration before last night, but the election really pushed me over the edge. We'll see if it's financially feasible first though.
What I feeling is a sense of taking control again. The student that annoys me is in class tonight. I've spoken to him already and pointed out that he needs to keep his mouth shut until I finish presented the concept and to think before he speaks. Ironically, his writing is really quite good. He's thorough and careful with his words when he takes his time. I will work with him in spite of the fact that he triggers all kinds of negative responses (including the ones that say: "you're a dangerous person" to me).
Back to the topic on hand:
So, the program is clearly something that works for me. I can give it my endorsement now without any reservations. It's not like anything I've ever tried before. Yesterday additional product arrived in the form of bars and chocolates. I haven't tried the bars yet, but the chocolate was AMAZING! It tastes like a reasonable dark chocolate and it curbed cravings immediately. I was really pleased.
If you do look at the site I will be honest: Isagenix is MLM (multi level marketing) or Network Marketing. If you wanted to try the product I would gladly sign you up and yes, I could possibly make some money on that transaction. That would be nice, but it's not why I endorse the product. It's not even for the weight loss either (although that's doing its thing too and the inches are fall off - based on my skirts dragging on the floor!) I would suggest it because the stuff works. Yes, it's "expensive" but if you consider the $9/day it costs you how much do most of us spend at Starbucks or DD for a coffee and something? I almost never stop there now. I just don't want it. It balances out. Someone asked me about the program and I said to them, "Are you worth about $300 investment to see if it works?" That's my position on the MLM, if you're interested, serious about wanting to feel better and might want to look at the earning potential (it's there - I personally know many people who have made serious dollars with MLM) then ask away.
I'm staying on the program because the products work. Nothing more. Nothing less (except maybe a little less of me in the not too distant future).
What I feeling is a sense of taking control again. The student that annoys me is in class tonight. I've spoken to him already and pointed out that he needs to keep his mouth shut until I finish presented the concept and to think before he speaks. Ironically, his writing is really quite good. He's thorough and careful with his words when he takes his time. I will work with him in spite of the fact that he triggers all kinds of negative responses (including the ones that say: "you're a dangerous person" to me).
Back to the topic on hand:
So, the program is clearly something that works for me. I can give it my endorsement now without any reservations. It's not like anything I've ever tried before. Yesterday additional product arrived in the form of bars and chocolates. I haven't tried the bars yet, but the chocolate was AMAZING! It tastes like a reasonable dark chocolate and it curbed cravings immediately. I was really pleased.
If you do look at the site I will be honest: Isagenix is MLM (multi level marketing) or Network Marketing. If you wanted to try the product I would gladly sign you up and yes, I could possibly make some money on that transaction. That would be nice, but it's not why I endorse the product. It's not even for the weight loss either (although that's doing its thing too and the inches are fall off - based on my skirts dragging on the floor!) I would suggest it because the stuff works. Yes, it's "expensive" but if you consider the $9/day it costs you how much do most of us spend at Starbucks or DD for a coffee and something? I almost never stop there now. I just don't want it. It balances out. Someone asked me about the program and I said to them, "Are you worth about $300 investment to see if it works?" That's my position on the MLM, if you're interested, serious about wanting to feel better and might want to look at the earning potential (it's there - I personally know many people who have made serious dollars with MLM) then ask away.
I'm staying on the program because the products work. Nothing more. Nothing less (except maybe a little less of me in the not too distant future).
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Pressure much?
It's been a week. I found myself after last Sunday being on top of everything suddenly feeling the pain of trying to do too much once again throughout the week. The schedule I have is difficult at best. When I found myself falling behind (because I decided that I needed to sleep rather than stay awake until all hours trying to get grades in) I began to hear the old tapes playing again. I felt for a little bit that I had fallen into old habits.
Wednesday night was really hard. I have a student that frankly, I loathe. He's disrespectful and rude. He's a "know it all" but knows little or nothing. He is confrontational to the extreme. He also reminds me of people that have abused me in the past, making the situation that much harder. It took until today to piece it all together in my brain. I still have these weird reactions to past triggers. I'm told this is "normal" but it's not acceptable. I have been sitting in my office now trying to sort it out in my brain.
Part of me says, you got out of the "real abuse" some 18 years ago. Part of me says, you were emotionally beaten up in your last marriage and that was only what? Three years or so? Then there was the rant of a few weeks ago that kicked up all of the past at once.
The aftermath of being abused is complex. I'm mostly fine though, and able to get on with the major tasks each day. The program is helping me to handle the emotional roller coaster with more grace than ever before, but it's still hard. It's still a battle to not want to drive off into the distance and start over somewhere.
But I know the ghosts will follow me. They always follow you. That's the problem. You are plagued by them and they never give you any warning.
And I've had a physical challenge this week as well that has precluded my willingness to cleanse this weekend. It will hold until next week though. That I am certain of. My weight has stalled too. Not a shock, given that I'm working on a heavy emotional purge at present. Once I sort it out, I think I'll be fine again.
Yes, I need to get my head wrapped around why this student is making me so uncomfortable and settle that out. I will not allow that person to bring me to my knees and give up. That determination is a new feeling for me. So, the plan for this week:
This is NOT harder that what I faced over the past few years. A little minor setback is okay. Keeps you humble, ya know?
Wednesday night was really hard. I have a student that frankly, I loathe. He's disrespectful and rude. He's a "know it all" but knows little or nothing. He is confrontational to the extreme. He also reminds me of people that have abused me in the past, making the situation that much harder. It took until today to piece it all together in my brain. I still have these weird reactions to past triggers. I'm told this is "normal" but it's not acceptable. I have been sitting in my office now trying to sort it out in my brain.
Part of me says, you got out of the "real abuse" some 18 years ago. Part of me says, you were emotionally beaten up in your last marriage and that was only what? Three years or so? Then there was the rant of a few weeks ago that kicked up all of the past at once.
The aftermath of being abused is complex. I'm mostly fine though, and able to get on with the major tasks each day. The program is helping me to handle the emotional roller coaster with more grace than ever before, but it's still hard. It's still a battle to not want to drive off into the distance and start over somewhere.
But I know the ghosts will follow me. They always follow you. That's the problem. You are plagued by them and they never give you any warning.
And I've had a physical challenge this week as well that has precluded my willingness to cleanse this weekend. It will hold until next week though. That I am certain of. My weight has stalled too. Not a shock, given that I'm working on a heavy emotional purge at present. Once I sort it out, I think I'll be fine again.
Yes, I need to get my head wrapped around why this student is making me so uncomfortable and settle that out. I will not allow that person to bring me to my knees and give up. That determination is a new feeling for me. So, the plan for this week:
- Get a handle on the stress
- Get the grading and work cleared over the rest of today and tomorrow
- Address the issues with the student next week before class
- Not give up on myself
This is NOT harder that what I faced over the past few years. A little minor setback is okay. Keeps you humble, ya know?
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Whoa!
(This is possibly TMI for some people as I explore in the blog the joys of being a female. You have been warned.)
So, I know the program is working but my body is in a state of change (pun intended here). Today I was able to identify the "depressed" feeling as PMS and now I know what's next. BUT the program made the usual short temper and snippy attitude go away. Wow! My students are happier for that, even if they didn't know.
What I did discover is that the physical annoyances are being amplified somewhat. The usual feeling of "off" is WAY more noticed now. I have been very dizzy for the past hour or so. Not fun, but in spite of it, I've been able to teach and keep a good mood showing to the world. So, while I'm still feeling the onset of being a female, I am not freaking out.
You know, I'm 55 now and really could be happy without these intrusions in my life every month or so. OTOH, my doctor assures me that this is what is keeping me from not looking my age. I guess vanity is a tradeoff here. What I find really interesting though today is that I am aware of the changes in my body and feel okay about it. Maybe I'm feeling things differently because my body is in a state of healing and moving towards center.
And the more that is happening the happier I've been feeling. And the more confident I feel about who I am now. This is cause for celebration.
Why celebrate? Because for the past few years every single cycle has brought ghosts of the past and the only ghosts I'm feeling are the seasonal ones and the cute ones in store windows. No old tapes. No old anger issues. Just feeling my body without filters from the past. And that my dear reader, is reason to celebrate.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Cleansing Three - The Day After
Wow. Remember that old TV commercial where they sing, "I feel clean. Bah dah dah dah. I feel clean." That's how I feel. Now let me explain quickly here we're talking about an uncomfortable time allowing my body to cleanse. Oh no, this is a deep cleansing on a cellular level.
Yesterday was so much easier. I even found I rather enjoyed the cleansing formula this time around. And it was easier to manage. I did need to have a light snack at the end of the day though. I just know I cannot sleep well on a completely empty tummy. Still, I wasn't hungry all day and that was HUGE compared to the first two. Aside from the physical parts of the day, there was a major change in my behavior: I have taken to leaving my cell phone alone when I'm not expecting specific call(s). Students are going to voice mail and I'm calling them back when I have a moment to really communicate. On my terms, not theirs all the time. It's a matter of boundaries and I'm finding the strength to set them and keep them where they belong.
Today the cellphone....tomorrow...who knows?
I did experience a few moments of sadness during the day. I found myself a several occasions sitting alone in my office staring off into space and realized I had been sad. Not depressed and I couldn't figure out what I was sad about. I think it was just processing events in my life in no particular order. It felt cleansing and not at all upsetting. Just, sad.
Today, I woke up happy again and ready to face the double class day. I start at 11AM and end at 10PM. It's a long day, but I'm in great shape for it. And I'm looking forward to class tonight: Brown vs. Board of Ed and Civil Rights Act of 1964. One of my best classes.
It all ends with the class being divided into two groups. One describes what education would like if Brown hadn't passed, the other looks at where Brown dropped the ball and what should have been included.
Then we take both sides and see how we're doing today in the Second Generation of Rights. It's always a good class. And I have lots of videos to share for tonight as well. Those always add a deeper level to what we're talking about as a group.
Now, off to get the room ready for tonight.
Yesterday was so much easier. I even found I rather enjoyed the cleansing formula this time around. And it was easier to manage. I did need to have a light snack at the end of the day though. I just know I cannot sleep well on a completely empty tummy. Still, I wasn't hungry all day and that was HUGE compared to the first two. Aside from the physical parts of the day, there was a major change in my behavior: I have taken to leaving my cell phone alone when I'm not expecting specific call(s). Students are going to voice mail and I'm calling them back when I have a moment to really communicate. On my terms, not theirs all the time. It's a matter of boundaries and I'm finding the strength to set them and keep them where they belong.
Today the cellphone....tomorrow...who knows?
I did experience a few moments of sadness during the day. I found myself a several occasions sitting alone in my office staring off into space and realized I had been sad. Not depressed and I couldn't figure out what I was sad about. I think it was just processing events in my life in no particular order. It felt cleansing and not at all upsetting. Just, sad.
Today, I woke up happy again and ready to face the double class day. I start at 11AM and end at 10PM. It's a long day, but I'm in great shape for it. And I'm looking forward to class tonight: Brown vs. Board of Ed and Civil Rights Act of 1964. One of my best classes.
It all ends with the class being divided into two groups. One describes what education would like if Brown hadn't passed, the other looks at where Brown dropped the ball and what should have been included.
Then we take both sides and see how we're doing today in the Second Generation of Rights. It's always a good class. And I have lots of videos to share for tonight as well. Those always add a deeper level to what we're talking about as a group.
Now, off to get the room ready for tonight.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Third Cleaning - In progress
I'll be honest. I don't usually look forward to these days because they usually mean "don't leave home!" Today I woke up and was trying to decide if the cleanse was even a good idea. I sort of feel like maybe I have PMS (then again, who knows with my body?) so I considered not doing it.
After a conversation with myself that went something like this:
Me: You know you should cleanse. You'll so much better tomorrow.
Self: Eh. Don't really care.
Me: If you're not going to cleanse then ask yourself what's really behind that thinking.
Self: Lazy? Have SO MUCH work? Don't wanna.
Me: Not good enough. Try again.
Self: I don't have anything.
Me: Then hush up and do it. You'll be better off for it.
I won the argument and began the cleanse. I'm halfway through now and most of the way through my work for the day as well. Amazing.
And I'm smiling. Still don't feel entirely safe about the leaving the house thing, but it's not as bad as the first two weeks. I even found I liked the taste this week.
I've also set up my "website" about the program. Which is to say, I have used the template provided. Here's the deal. I'm not doing this to get rich. I'm doing this to get healthy. My results have been nothing short of a miracle. I have been losing weight and feeling great. I have focus where I used to have none. I have energy where I was dragging (and with my schedule that speaks volumes!). I feel happy where I was always stressed out. So, if you're interested in seeing the whole program go here and poke around. I have the site set to talk about nutrition first because that's why I'm doing the program.
If you're curious about trying it DO NOT ORDER ANYTHING FROM THE SITE because the prices are not what you can really pay for them. If you're local, then call me and I'll arrange a "tasting" for you to try it out first. If you want more details, email me and I will be happy to talk to you about this and answer your questions.
Now, it's back to work for me so I can finish everything today in time for Dexter tonight.
After a conversation with myself that went something like this:
Me: You know you should cleanse. You'll so much better tomorrow.
Self: Eh. Don't really care.
Me: If you're not going to cleanse then ask yourself what's really behind that thinking.
Self: Lazy? Have SO MUCH work? Don't wanna.
Me: Not good enough. Try again.
Self: I don't have anything.
Me: Then hush up and do it. You'll be better off for it.
I won the argument and began the cleanse. I'm halfway through now and most of the way through my work for the day as well. Amazing.
And I'm smiling. Still don't feel entirely safe about the leaving the house thing, but it's not as bad as the first two weeks. I even found I liked the taste this week.
I've also set up my "website" about the program. Which is to say, I have used the template provided. Here's the deal. I'm not doing this to get rich. I'm doing this to get healthy. My results have been nothing short of a miracle. I have been losing weight and feeling great. I have focus where I used to have none. I have energy where I was dragging (and with my schedule that speaks volumes!). I feel happy where I was always stressed out. So, if you're interested in seeing the whole program go here and poke around. I have the site set to talk about nutrition first because that's why I'm doing the program.
If you're curious about trying it DO NOT ORDER ANYTHING FROM THE SITE because the prices are not what you can really pay for them. If you're local, then call me and I'll arrange a "tasting" for you to try it out first. If you want more details, email me and I will be happy to talk to you about this and answer your questions.
Now, it's back to work for me so I can finish everything today in time for Dexter tonight.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
How much is 8 inches?
It's the difference of a skirt coming mid-calf and just above my ankles. It's the difference of the stretchy sweats stretching to fit and having some extra fabric loose around my hips. It's the difference ONE WEEK makes on the program.
Yesterday was measurement day. Mae got out the trusty tape measure and commenced. I asked her not to tell me until the end. Good thing she doesn't play poker! She had to retake a few several times those numbers had to be wrong. Nope. They were right. EIGHT INCHES IN A WEEK!!! I've been on intentional weight loss programs and never had those results before.
I want to be clear though: This wasn't all about the weight loss for me. It was about feeling better. I have more energy than I've had in years and it's not just the dissertation being done. It's a steady flow of energy that I'm experiencing. I feel better. I feel stronger. I feel optimistic almost all the time. Emotionally I am feeling better.
The program is about finding center for your body. It's about settling into yourself and feeling whole. On all levels.
And it's given me the willingness to explore writing a book that tells my story. I have even come up with an outline of how the book would flow. I'm going to allow it to sit in my brain for a little bit longer before really talking about it, but I know it's going to be written and published. I know it in my gut. I just have to find the right words to get it out of my brain and into a narrative.
If my story can compel even one person to follow their dreams then it will be well worth it. But today I have other tasks on hand. Grading, prepping, and Pit Bull Awareness Day.
I am ready for the day now....right after that shake.
Yesterday was measurement day. Mae got out the trusty tape measure and commenced. I asked her not to tell me until the end. Good thing she doesn't play poker! She had to retake a few several times those numbers had to be wrong. Nope. They were right. EIGHT INCHES IN A WEEK!!! I've been on intentional weight loss programs and never had those results before.
I want to be clear though: This wasn't all about the weight loss for me. It was about feeling better. I have more energy than I've had in years and it's not just the dissertation being done. It's a steady flow of energy that I'm experiencing. I feel better. I feel stronger. I feel optimistic almost all the time. Emotionally I am feeling better.
The program is about finding center for your body. It's about settling into yourself and feeling whole. On all levels.
And it's given me the willingness to explore writing a book that tells my story. I have even come up with an outline of how the book would flow. I'm going to allow it to sit in my brain for a little bit longer before really talking about it, but I know it's going to be written and published. I know it in my gut. I just have to find the right words to get it out of my brain and into a narrative.
If my story can compel even one person to follow their dreams then it will be well worth it. But today I have other tasks on hand. Grading, prepping, and Pit Bull Awareness Day.
I am ready for the day now....right after that shake.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Down, down, down the drain....
Owning a home often means "emergency repairs." Those pesky necessities that need to be fixed or life is just not all that comfortable. A few nights ago our plumbing decided that whenever you ran water or flushed the appropriate place to go was the downstairs tub. Out came the bottle of liquid magic and in a little bit the water was down the drain, the its supposed to be.
Until yesterday morning when I showered. I showered, the tub below me filled. I called the plumber. What else could I do?
This morning the plumber arrived and the drain is draining. We did discover the line between curb and main is made out of tar paper and will need to be replaced...eventually. As in eventually when I have $5K available to allocate for this. The water company (where I have insurance on my sewer line) tells me that they cannot do anything until (are you ready for this?) I have another clog. Then they will look at it and if the lines need replacing...I'm not covered?
Well, we've been in the house for over 2 years and this was the first time it happened. Maybe it won't for another couple of years and by then the money will not be an issue.
Here's the cool part: I have a $5K bill looming over me on top of everything else that needs attention. I am essentially broke for the next week until the next check. I am overworked (nothing new there) and I'm sitting here with a great big smile on my face. I'm happy as can be with the world around me. I'm not even worrying about the finances at all.
The nutritional program may be helping me lose weight (6lbs in two weeks) and may be helping to level out the blood work (will know in a month) -- but it's helping my attitude. I'm just Happy!
Who knew?
Until yesterday morning when I showered. I showered, the tub below me filled. I called the plumber. What else could I do?
This morning the plumber arrived and the drain is draining. We did discover the line between curb and main is made out of tar paper and will need to be replaced...eventually. As in eventually when I have $5K available to allocate for this. The water company (where I have insurance on my sewer line) tells me that they cannot do anything until (are you ready for this?) I have another clog. Then they will look at it and if the lines need replacing...I'm not covered?
Well, we've been in the house for over 2 years and this was the first time it happened. Maybe it won't for another couple of years and by then the money will not be an issue.
Here's the cool part: I have a $5K bill looming over me on top of everything else that needs attention. I am essentially broke for the next week until the next check. I am overworked (nothing new there) and I'm sitting here with a great big smile on my face. I'm happy as can be with the world around me. I'm not even worrying about the finances at all.
The nutritional program may be helping me lose weight (6lbs in two weeks) and may be helping to level out the blood work (will know in a month) -- but it's helping my attitude. I'm just Happy!
Who knew?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Ta me sasta
I am content. The only phrase I remember from long ago in Irish Gaelic.
I am content with the changes in my body. The program, began to keep Mae company is working for me. It's not just the weight either. Yes, I need to lose a bunch of that. That's a given. It's more than that. It's the reduction of stress and energy that amaze me. It's the mental clarity that allows me to grade for hours without feeling tired. It's the ability to read a novel and remember what is happening in the story. It's feeling WHOLE on so many levels.
The program works. It's obvious to me as I embark on week three that things are significantly different now. I'm really beginning to feel the healing deep inside of myself. Still, I promised myself to give this one month before declaring utter and complete victory. There is a desire to share the full information, but there are constraints as well. I'm not trying to "push" this program on anyone because that's who I was in the past. Always into a sales thing. I'm not her.
I've been thinking about it and have reached the tentative conclusion that if people want to know the details, they will need to ask me directly. I'm not into marketing at this point in my life. If it's meant for someone to want to heal, to improve their life and they believe I might have a part of the answer for them...I'll share. But not until that point in time. Not yet anyhow.
For now, contentment is the only thing that matters.
I am content with the changes in my body. The program, began to keep Mae company is working for me. It's not just the weight either. Yes, I need to lose a bunch of that. That's a given. It's more than that. It's the reduction of stress and energy that amaze me. It's the mental clarity that allows me to grade for hours without feeling tired. It's the ability to read a novel and remember what is happening in the story. It's feeling WHOLE on so many levels.
The program works. It's obvious to me as I embark on week three that things are significantly different now. I'm really beginning to feel the healing deep inside of myself. Still, I promised myself to give this one month before declaring utter and complete victory. There is a desire to share the full information, but there are constraints as well. I'm not trying to "push" this program on anyone because that's who I was in the past. Always into a sales thing. I'm not her.
I've been thinking about it and have reached the tentative conclusion that if people want to know the details, they will need to ask me directly. I'm not into marketing at this point in my life. If it's meant for someone to want to heal, to improve their life and they believe I might have a part of the answer for them...I'll share. But not until that point in time. Not yet anyhow.
For now, contentment is the only thing that matters.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Memories: Going Backward to Go Forward
It didn't start out like this. Back in the 1972 I had a clear path in mind. Go to college, get my degree, work as a music therapist, get married, have a family, live in a nice apartment in Manhattan, retire and travel. I had it all figured out. It was pretty simple really and was "what was expected of me" by family, friends, and society at large.
I discovered the program I was in at NYU wasn't recognized outside of NYC at the time. I realized just how much I hated being a music major. I had made a classic and tragic mistake. What I needed was to take time off from school and regroup. Rethink my plan. My love affair, my big relationship had fallen apart anyhow. It was obvious to me that I would never get married. I needed time. So, I left school, ended up being kicked out of the house and went to work.
It's funny how earning money changed everything. Why go to school? It was the mid 1970s and you didn't need a degree to work back then. Or to meet people and date. I had a full social life. I had "friends" and people to occupy my time. Somehow I ended up at a party in Philadelphia and met my first husband there.
We dated (that' a euphemism for sleeping together), moved in together and even went into business together. Eventually, as all our friends got married, we did the same thing. It seemed like the thing to do. The business eventually failed and I went to work again in an office. Soon after that I was pregnant with my daughter. I stopped working and he worked for my father. The marriage was really dead by then, but I was pregnant.
My daughter wasn't even two when I met husband number two. He was charming, musical, literate, and everything my husband wasn't. He was a musician (which is to say he was poorer than dirt) and he lived in the East Village of NYC in a tenement apartment. His shower was a metal stall next to the sink (the kind you see in cheap offices) with a garbage bag for a curtain. But you could buy a bar of Ivory soap for under a dollar, so he was always clean. I was taken by the lifestyle. I was jealous of his freedom and the first marriage ended (it would have eventually anyhow) and the next decade changed everything.
No one gets into a relationship thinking, "This is going to be awesome! I can hardly wait for the abuse to begin." It wasn't like that. It was slow and subtle. It wasn't daily or even weekly. I should have run at the first signs I suppose. People always ask me why I remained. The reason was simple: Where else could I go? I had a toddler, no real job at this point, who would want me? My ex reinforced this over and over. Still, we played music and were developing a following. Even got signed to Kicking Mule Records in CA and produced some 8 albums (mostly independent), a songbook, and I wrote a book that was published. We toured the country and lived in a van. I didn't notice that I was completely isolated from a support network. I never really noticed how horrible it was, because on a day to day basis it wasn't. The road was open, the National Parks exquisite, the fans adoring. We were poor, but I didn't really notice how bad it was. I suppose if you do notice it you die. Oh wait, I was becoming more and more suicidal as time went on. The adventure of living on the road was waning and my tolerance for "soup" made out of hot water, ketchup, and crackers had lost the sense of righteousness it once had. I was tired and had gained so much weight. I didn't know who I was when I saw my reflection in the mirror.
May 16, 1992 I found the courage to make it end.
The next two years were spent trying to find a balance. An acquaintance from CA, someone who had helped to support the music became a friend. Eventually he became my third husband. He told me I was worthwhile. He supported my going back to work. He was even supportive when I went back for my undergraduate degree. He smiled when I said I was going to go for my Masters. But things began to change as I succeeded in school. (I maintained a perfect 4.0 throughout my entire academic journey) He pulled away more and more. We were no longer intimate at all. (By the end it would be seven years in total that he didn't touch me) It wasn't abusive, it was just wrong. I started to seek physical and emotional comfort elsewhere. The marriage was falling apart even as we "opened it" in a vain attempt to relieve the tension of no sex.
May 11, 2007 I came home and found him packing a box. He informed me we were getting divorced and selling our home.
I had to put my PhD on hold for a year as we (Mae, Jo, and myself) struggled to find a new home. Help came from the oddest places (for which I will be eternally grateful -- even if the parties involved have left our lives) and we found a smaller house in Mount Holly. Our little "Rabbit Hole" and refuge. It's a work in progress still. We all are.
In the time after the third (and by far ugliest divorce) and now I've seen my weight go up and down. My health has deteriorated and improved. My gallbladder was removed even as I almost died on the table. I've landed a full time position at Strayer and could make a lifetime career here if I choose to. And I've completed the PhD.
The nutritional program has given me new strength and clarity in only two weeks time. It's still too early to say if this is the answer to a lifestyle change for the long term. I won't lie. It's not always easy, but it gets easier. It's not always fun, but the benefits outweigh the negatives right now. I've lost about six pounds since I began (hard to be certain digital scales being what they are and the rain being what it is and all).
What I do know is this: I completed the hardest degree I've ever attempted. I overcame more obstacles in the past few years than most people need to or should have to in a lifetime. My family at home is whole and we are all healing together. In our own ways.
People have cut me out of their lives as I've cut others from my life. I'm meeting new people and perhaps embarking on developing a few new friendships. And when I look in the mirror, while I may not always know how I got here exactly, I know that here is good place to be.
I discovered the program I was in at NYU wasn't recognized outside of NYC at the time. I realized just how much I hated being a music major. I had made a classic and tragic mistake. What I needed was to take time off from school and regroup. Rethink my plan. My love affair, my big relationship had fallen apart anyhow. It was obvious to me that I would never get married. I needed time. So, I left school, ended up being kicked out of the house and went to work.
It's funny how earning money changed everything. Why go to school? It was the mid 1970s and you didn't need a degree to work back then. Or to meet people and date. I had a full social life. I had "friends" and people to occupy my time. Somehow I ended up at a party in Philadelphia and met my first husband there.
We dated (that' a euphemism for sleeping together), moved in together and even went into business together. Eventually, as all our friends got married, we did the same thing. It seemed like the thing to do. The business eventually failed and I went to work again in an office. Soon after that I was pregnant with my daughter. I stopped working and he worked for my father. The marriage was really dead by then, but I was pregnant.
My daughter wasn't even two when I met husband number two. He was charming, musical, literate, and everything my husband wasn't. He was a musician (which is to say he was poorer than dirt) and he lived in the East Village of NYC in a tenement apartment. His shower was a metal stall next to the sink (the kind you see in cheap offices) with a garbage bag for a curtain. But you could buy a bar of Ivory soap for under a dollar, so he was always clean. I was taken by the lifestyle. I was jealous of his freedom and the first marriage ended (it would have eventually anyhow) and the next decade changed everything.
No one gets into a relationship thinking, "This is going to be awesome! I can hardly wait for the abuse to begin." It wasn't like that. It was slow and subtle. It wasn't daily or even weekly. I should have run at the first signs I suppose. People always ask me why I remained. The reason was simple: Where else could I go? I had a toddler, no real job at this point, who would want me? My ex reinforced this over and over. Still, we played music and were developing a following. Even got signed to Kicking Mule Records in CA and produced some 8 albums (mostly independent), a songbook, and I wrote a book that was published. We toured the country and lived in a van. I didn't notice that I was completely isolated from a support network. I never really noticed how horrible it was, because on a day to day basis it wasn't. The road was open, the National Parks exquisite, the fans adoring. We were poor, but I didn't really notice how bad it was. I suppose if you do notice it you die. Oh wait, I was becoming more and more suicidal as time went on. The adventure of living on the road was waning and my tolerance for "soup" made out of hot water, ketchup, and crackers had lost the sense of righteousness it once had. I was tired and had gained so much weight. I didn't know who I was when I saw my reflection in the mirror.
May 16, 1992 I found the courage to make it end.
The next two years were spent trying to find a balance. An acquaintance from CA, someone who had helped to support the music became a friend. Eventually he became my third husband. He told me I was worthwhile. He supported my going back to work. He was even supportive when I went back for my undergraduate degree. He smiled when I said I was going to go for my Masters. But things began to change as I succeeded in school. (I maintained a perfect 4.0 throughout my entire academic journey) He pulled away more and more. We were no longer intimate at all. (By the end it would be seven years in total that he didn't touch me) It wasn't abusive, it was just wrong. I started to seek physical and emotional comfort elsewhere. The marriage was falling apart even as we "opened it" in a vain attempt to relieve the tension of no sex.
May 11, 2007 I came home and found him packing a box. He informed me we were getting divorced and selling our home.
I had to put my PhD on hold for a year as we (Mae, Jo, and myself) struggled to find a new home. Help came from the oddest places (for which I will be eternally grateful -- even if the parties involved have left our lives) and we found a smaller house in Mount Holly. Our little "Rabbit Hole" and refuge. It's a work in progress still. We all are.
In the time after the third (and by far ugliest divorce) and now I've seen my weight go up and down. My health has deteriorated and improved. My gallbladder was removed even as I almost died on the table. I've landed a full time position at Strayer and could make a lifetime career here if I choose to. And I've completed the PhD.
The nutritional program has given me new strength and clarity in only two weeks time. It's still too early to say if this is the answer to a lifestyle change for the long term. I won't lie. It's not always easy, but it gets easier. It's not always fun, but the benefits outweigh the negatives right now. I've lost about six pounds since I began (hard to be certain digital scales being what they are and the rain being what it is and all).
What I do know is this: I completed the hardest degree I've ever attempted. I overcame more obstacles in the past few years than most people need to or should have to in a lifetime. My family at home is whole and we are all healing together. In our own ways.
People have cut me out of their lives as I've cut others from my life. I'm meeting new people and perhaps embarking on developing a few new friendships. And when I look in the mirror, while I may not always know how I got here exactly, I know that here is good place to be.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Cleanse Two - The Day After
Well, that was a day and a half. Last week I had no expectations really. I just thought "cleanse" means "stay at home near the potty" and not much else. That was still the case, though not as bad. Even the cleansing stuff didn't taste as weird this time and I'm down to drinking it almost straight, very cold, and then drinking water (20 oz at a time!) after I down it. And I wonder why I need a potty? The little chocolate wafer things (known as "Scooby Snacks") worked their magic and wasn't voraciously hungry all day, but at the end around 11PM I caved and ate small Jello Pudding cup to settle the monster in my tummy. All in all, not too bad.
What was most interesting was the ability to hyperfocus on work. I couldn't maintain it for very long, but when I was on, I was ON and that was a good thing. I got through 6/9 classes to check in on. Not too shabby. And I prepped for tonight as well. It wasn't really too bad and I think I might have even been able to go out visiting during the day, but I wouldn't want to take a walk in the woods.
Emotionally it's been weird too. I don't know if everything is connected directly, but things are changing. People from the past contacting me, people from the past cutting me out of their lives. This is really more or less normal this time of year anyhow, but I'm taking it differently. My brain plays the tapes that say, "Be upset now." Then another voice chimes in, "Why bother? It won't make things better or even different. Except that you'll be upset. You don't need that stress. Let it go." And I do let it go, minus the observation of how I'm feeling it but not reacting. I feel somehow more in control and less in control at the same time.
Work is the same. I do my job. I do it well, but it's my job. I love teaching, it's the administrative side I dislike. Entering grades that really don't amount to much in the 'real world' or tracking things for the sake of having a metric to track. Ugh. Comes along with the territory though. So I do it. Yesterday I did lots of it.
Today I woke up feeling clean. I didn't expect it. I thought I would be dragging, but a run through the shower and I was set to go. Taught my first class without any trouble. Went through the material easily. Stopped for food on the way in to Philly. Food just tastes so good the day after a cleanse. Had noodle bowl from Pei Wei and I feel like I'm flying now.
I'm not sure where this post was heading, but all in all, the second cleanse was easier. Emotionally I feel more level. Physically I know I'm stronger. I think we may be on to a solution for the problem of health issues.
Keep posted....more to come soon.
(In the next post I hope to go into more background of just how I ended up where I am today.)
What was most interesting was the ability to hyperfocus on work. I couldn't maintain it for very long, but when I was on, I was ON and that was a good thing. I got through 6/9 classes to check in on. Not too shabby. And I prepped for tonight as well. It wasn't really too bad and I think I might have even been able to go out visiting during the day, but I wouldn't want to take a walk in the woods.
Emotionally it's been weird too. I don't know if everything is connected directly, but things are changing. People from the past contacting me, people from the past cutting me out of their lives. This is really more or less normal this time of year anyhow, but I'm taking it differently. My brain plays the tapes that say, "Be upset now." Then another voice chimes in, "Why bother? It won't make things better or even different. Except that you'll be upset. You don't need that stress. Let it go." And I do let it go, minus the observation of how I'm feeling it but not reacting. I feel somehow more in control and less in control at the same time.
Work is the same. I do my job. I do it well, but it's my job. I love teaching, it's the administrative side I dislike. Entering grades that really don't amount to much in the 'real world' or tracking things for the sake of having a metric to track. Ugh. Comes along with the territory though. So I do it. Yesterday I did lots of it.
Today I woke up feeling clean. I didn't expect it. I thought I would be dragging, but a run through the shower and I was set to go. Taught my first class without any trouble. Went through the material easily. Stopped for food on the way in to Philly. Food just tastes so good the day after a cleanse. Had noodle bowl from Pei Wei and I feel like I'm flying now.
I'm not sure where this post was heading, but all in all, the second cleanse was easier. Emotionally I feel more level. Physically I know I'm stronger. I think we may be on to a solution for the problem of health issues.
Keep posted....more to come soon.
(In the next post I hope to go into more background of just how I ended up where I am today.)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Fried Day
I have no idea what hit me yesterday. I've been battling a cold of some sort for a week, so that might have been it. Week two of the fall quarter ended on Thursday and I was exhausted from the new schedule. It always takes a few weeks for things to settle.
I woke up with every intention of getting through my work. I even started and got some grades posted. Then I went to have my shake - it was early afternoon by then. I decided to take a little time off to rest and hang with Mae. Next thing I know I'm falling asleep on the couch. Dragged myself to my bed and passed out.
Never saw it coming.
The sleep was awesome and peaceful. Really peaceful for the first time in weeks and weeks. I woke up feeling better and decided that I wouldn't even attempt to work anymore for the day. So, I didn't .
When I went to bed again I slept. Deeply. Weird for me. Or maybe this is what normal experience? I have no idea.
It's not as if the stress is gone. It's not. Work is intense as always and I have far too much on my plate as usual. I hear my brain clicking away at the "to do" list all the time. The difference is that I don't react the same way. I know if I sit at the PC and just take one task at a time it will get done easily. I just move from one task to the next and feel no anxiety from it. No clue how those shakes are doing this....but they are making a positive difference.
I tried eating sweets yesterday. I wanted ice cream. Seriously wanted it. I had less than half of what I would normally have had and was satisfied. I even tried a cookie or two. They were too sweet really and not as good as my memory made them seem. I should have had the veggies instead. Weird. The chemical balance is shifting now. It's not just the food, it's the reaction to the food and how I want to consume the food.
And this too: People from the past are finding me again. That Mobius strip thing is happening. I'm not sure what it means really. I look at their questions, their comments and wonder, "Do they realize I'm not that person?" I wonder at how they have me frozen in time and seem shocked when I tell them politely, "No. I'm not part of that anymore. I don't do that anymore." Time is strange. Memories freeze images and while our brains record the passage of time and our eyes confirm the differences...no one seems to want to let it go.
How do you let it go?
I woke up with every intention of getting through my work. I even started and got some grades posted. Then I went to have my shake - it was early afternoon by then. I decided to take a little time off to rest and hang with Mae. Next thing I know I'm falling asleep on the couch. Dragged myself to my bed and passed out.
Never saw it coming.
The sleep was awesome and peaceful. Really peaceful for the first time in weeks and weeks. I woke up feeling better and decided that I wouldn't even attempt to work anymore for the day. So, I didn't .
When I went to bed again I slept. Deeply. Weird for me. Or maybe this is what normal experience? I have no idea.
It's not as if the stress is gone. It's not. Work is intense as always and I have far too much on my plate as usual. I hear my brain clicking away at the "to do" list all the time. The difference is that I don't react the same way. I know if I sit at the PC and just take one task at a time it will get done easily. I just move from one task to the next and feel no anxiety from it. No clue how those shakes are doing this....but they are making a positive difference.
I tried eating sweets yesterday. I wanted ice cream. Seriously wanted it. I had less than half of what I would normally have had and was satisfied. I even tried a cookie or two. They were too sweet really and not as good as my memory made them seem. I should have had the veggies instead. Weird. The chemical balance is shifting now. It's not just the food, it's the reaction to the food and how I want to consume the food.
And this too: People from the past are finding me again. That Mobius strip thing is happening. I'm not sure what it means really. I look at their questions, their comments and wonder, "Do they realize I'm not that person?" I wonder at how they have me frozen in time and seem shocked when I tell them politely, "No. I'm not part of that anymore. I don't do that anymore." Time is strange. Memories freeze images and while our brains record the passage of time and our eyes confirm the differences...no one seems to want to let it go.
How do you let it go?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Really upsetting video. I was lucky to never have been hit this hard...but the scars run deep. Each year in October I remember.
I have recently seen the usual "lists" that go around each year to help identify whether or not you are in abusive relationship. Be careful. Those checklists may well point out some abuse however, they are mostly concerned with unhealthy relationships. There is a difference.
I have recently seen the usual "lists" that go around each year to help identify whether or not you are in abusive relationship. Be careful. Those checklists may well point out some abuse however, they are mostly concerned with unhealthy relationships. There is a difference.
Day 8
It's a landmark day in the nutritional program. One that marks the taking of measurements and weighing in. Well, I never did get those measurements last week, so I cannot say how many inches but I can say that two skirts that were not on the floor are now dragging. Wow! Plus (or is minus more appropriate here?) I have lost 3 lbs with no effort to track my food. I was "bad" one day and missed a shake and ate too much junk, but otherwise I've been following the plan and without much effort I might add.
There are these chocolate things that look like HUGE Sweettarts but are not bitter. They taste more or less like brownie batter compressed. Not at all unpleasant really. They are supposed to cut cravings and hunger. They are magic little chunks of something that go down easily and have made the difference between muscling through the time between shakes and food and sailing. Amazing.
That's not the impressive part. The truly impressive part is that I'm calm. Things are stressful at work. Beyond reason, but I just go with it. Students demand attention in ways that used to bristle me, now, I just respond and move on. I don't over react. I am not stressing.
The pain in my right hip and leg are lessened too. Not perfect, but better. And I just literally ran up the stairs as well. Weird.
Back to the stress thing. Events of the past week would normally have put me in a bad space for days on end. (The shortened version is someone that I've known for 25+ years jettisoned me and my family from their life. It was done poorly - as in on FB publically) All I've been able to feel is sadness for them and their wretched situation (and it is truly horrible) and how sad and lonely they must be. No anger. Some confusion and dismay. In some ways almost amusement as well. I mention it here because that sort of personal drama coupled with work stress is almost always an excuse to eat my weight in junk. All I want is another salad.
And wonton soup. I've had a cold and I always want soup when I feel under the weather. Hey, even with the cold, I've been at work, bright and cheerful. On top of grading and responding and prepping.
I have no idea how these products work, but they do. It's not just about the weight loss for me. It's about lowering all those nasty numbers too. I have to see the doctor next month for a blood check. Then we'll know if it's working on that metric level as well. I have a feeling it is.
Now, to shower, dress, and get to campus. Have a busy class tonight.
There are these chocolate things that look like HUGE Sweettarts but are not bitter. They taste more or less like brownie batter compressed. Not at all unpleasant really. They are supposed to cut cravings and hunger. They are magic little chunks of something that go down easily and have made the difference between muscling through the time between shakes and food and sailing. Amazing.
That's not the impressive part. The truly impressive part is that I'm calm. Things are stressful at work. Beyond reason, but I just go with it. Students demand attention in ways that used to bristle me, now, I just respond and move on. I don't over react. I am not stressing.
The pain in my right hip and leg are lessened too. Not perfect, but better. And I just literally ran up the stairs as well. Weird.
Back to the stress thing. Events of the past week would normally have put me in a bad space for days on end. (The shortened version is someone that I've known for 25+ years jettisoned me and my family from their life. It was done poorly - as in on FB publically) All I've been able to feel is sadness for them and their wretched situation (and it is truly horrible) and how sad and lonely they must be. No anger. Some confusion and dismay. In some ways almost amusement as well. I mention it here because that sort of personal drama coupled with work stress is almost always an excuse to eat my weight in junk. All I want is another salad.
And wonton soup. I've had a cold and I always want soup when I feel under the weather. Hey, even with the cold, I've been at work, bright and cheerful. On top of grading and responding and prepping.
I have no idea how these products work, but they do. It's not just about the weight loss for me. It's about lowering all those nasty numbers too. I have to see the doctor next month for a blood check. Then we'll know if it's working on that metric level as well. I have a feeling it is.
Now, to shower, dress, and get to campus. Have a busy class tonight.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Reflecting
So many changes over the past few months. So many emotions have been surfacing. Sometimes my brain is a scramble looking for an exit sign. Sometimes it races so fast that the thoughts circle back on themselves like Mobius strip pretending to be a roller coaster. Sometimes...nothing at all.
The real story began in 1992 of course. That was as they say, "the beginning of it all" when I realized that being abused is not a way to live one's life. That raising two children in a van, no home base, no real network of support for them was insane. What I didn't really know was how much they too were being abused. Life was just trying to survive. We all did, but not without paying a price.
We have all moved far beyond those days in 1992 where I negotiated with the food money for the "best possible" on so little. We are by no means "poor" or relying on the kindness and generosity of others, especially A Woman's Place in Bucks County, PA that provided so much food and clothing. Our space is larger than the first townhouse that was "ours" in Doylestown and certainly much larger than the van. In so many ways life is better and happier.
The scars are still there. Memories creep up from unexpected corners. Old tapes play in the background for days on end then vanish for months. Equilibrium is not easy to find. You want to forget the pain, but you also know the pain is part of what tempered you, coaxed you into action. You no longer feel the anger, but the memory of it lingers. Sometimes more vivid than the reality was. Or so it feels.
Last night, my son had a panic attack. Body memories triggered by an innocent touch. His eyes were so far away and there was nothing to be done for him, except to love him. As a mother I just feel inadequate sometimes. Love just isn't enough, but if it's not the answer, then what is? Time I suppose. Just give it more time and hope for the best.
The changes of recent months have become sharp and clear. Completing the degree has sent me reeling. I am not the person I was in 1992 but some people want me to be that same person. I know logically to let it go. To move past them and my former self. Yet, I wonder if you ever really move beyond yourself.
I have a tattoo on my left wrist. Now it's a teapot, but it wasn't always that. I had the teapot done to cover the past, or at least incorporate it into the present. But I can still see the past when I look at it. Do others?
What do people see now? I stare into the mirror and ask myself if I've really changed or if it's all a matter of new layers being put over the past creating a new mask.
The real story began in 1992 of course. That was as they say, "the beginning of it all" when I realized that being abused is not a way to live one's life. That raising two children in a van, no home base, no real network of support for them was insane. What I didn't really know was how much they too were being abused. Life was just trying to survive. We all did, but not without paying a price.
We have all moved far beyond those days in 1992 where I negotiated with the food money for the "best possible" on so little. We are by no means "poor" or relying on the kindness and generosity of others, especially A Woman's Place in Bucks County, PA that provided so much food and clothing. Our space is larger than the first townhouse that was "ours" in Doylestown and certainly much larger than the van. In so many ways life is better and happier.
The scars are still there. Memories creep up from unexpected corners. Old tapes play in the background for days on end then vanish for months. Equilibrium is not easy to find. You want to forget the pain, but you also know the pain is part of what tempered you, coaxed you into action. You no longer feel the anger, but the memory of it lingers. Sometimes more vivid than the reality was. Or so it feels.
Last night, my son had a panic attack. Body memories triggered by an innocent touch. His eyes were so far away and there was nothing to be done for him, except to love him. As a mother I just feel inadequate sometimes. Love just isn't enough, but if it's not the answer, then what is? Time I suppose. Just give it more time and hope for the best.
The changes of recent months have become sharp and clear. Completing the degree has sent me reeling. I am not the person I was in 1992 but some people want me to be that same person. I know logically to let it go. To move past them and my former self. Yet, I wonder if you ever really move beyond yourself.
I have a tattoo on my left wrist. Now it's a teapot, but it wasn't always that. I had the teapot done to cover the past, or at least incorporate it into the present. But I can still see the past when I look at it. Do others?
What do people see now? I stare into the mirror and ask myself if I've really changed or if it's all a matter of new layers being put over the past creating a new mask.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Cleansing....Part Deux
There is a maxim in Transcendental Magick. It goes simply like this: "As above, so below." Simple words, complex idea.
Yesterday was my first cleansing day. It wasn't hard, but it wasn't easy. There were moments when I didn't think I would make it through the day. Not because of pain, just because of old habits. I was hungry sometimes, mostly just thirsty. How can you feel dehydrated when you're downing 20+ ounces of water every hour or so? I did. At the very end, just before bed I ate a little bit of plain rice to absorb the burning acid feeling in my tummy. It went away easily.
Funny thing is, I never pooped all day. Not once I began the cleanse. I thought that was odd, but I felt somehow better this morning. Well, physically anyhow.
That maxim I mentioned. Yeah, well last night a friend of 25+ years waged an attack (I'm not really sure that's the best word...how about really hurtful rant?) on FB. She used a public forum to air dirty laundry about something my kids did that slighted her son. Yes, you read that correctly. She waged a rant because my kids hurt her son. Mind you, all parties are in their 20s. The sad part is, I'm not sad about her cutting her ties with me. I might have been a month ago. Now, not so much. Mostly I am feeling relieved about one less social debt to deal with over the next few months. It's sad because she is ill and will never be able to live a full life on her own. She will always need to rely on the kindness or charity of others. Her world is reduced to a set of walls and I suppose they are closing in on her. It's a pity and I'm sad for her. Not me.
But that maxim. So as I begin the process of healing the physical body on a cellular level, it appears the Universe is now pointing to healing my mind, my soul, and learning to let the toxins go. Not that she was toxic, I don't mean that here. What I mean is that if someone is filled with anger (and she has a right to be angry) and wants to lash out at me, I do not have to remain still and accept that anger. That's way too much energy wasted on my part. So, I am letting it go away. I just showered moments ago and as the water washed over me, I repeated ever so slowly to myself, "Let the pain wash away. Let the stress wash away. Let the past stay in the past and look forward to a new day."
Funny, I feel so much "cleaner" now.
And I pooped! (According to the scale over a pound!)
Yesterday was my first cleansing day. It wasn't hard, but it wasn't easy. There were moments when I didn't think I would make it through the day. Not because of pain, just because of old habits. I was hungry sometimes, mostly just thirsty. How can you feel dehydrated when you're downing 20+ ounces of water every hour or so? I did. At the very end, just before bed I ate a little bit of plain rice to absorb the burning acid feeling in my tummy. It went away easily.
Funny thing is, I never pooped all day. Not once I began the cleanse. I thought that was odd, but I felt somehow better this morning. Well, physically anyhow.
That maxim I mentioned. Yeah, well last night a friend of 25+ years waged an attack (I'm not really sure that's the best word...how about really hurtful rant?) on FB. She used a public forum to air dirty laundry about something my kids did that slighted her son. Yes, you read that correctly. She waged a rant because my kids hurt her son. Mind you, all parties are in their 20s. The sad part is, I'm not sad about her cutting her ties with me. I might have been a month ago. Now, not so much. Mostly I am feeling relieved about one less social debt to deal with over the next few months. It's sad because she is ill and will never be able to live a full life on her own. She will always need to rely on the kindness or charity of others. Her world is reduced to a set of walls and I suppose they are closing in on her. It's a pity and I'm sad for her. Not me.
But that maxim. So as I begin the process of healing the physical body on a cellular level, it appears the Universe is now pointing to healing my mind, my soul, and learning to let the toxins go. Not that she was toxic, I don't mean that here. What I mean is that if someone is filled with anger (and she has a right to be angry) and wants to lash out at me, I do not have to remain still and accept that anger. That's way too much energy wasted on my part. So, I am letting it go away. I just showered moments ago and as the water washed over me, I repeated ever so slowly to myself, "Let the pain wash away. Let the stress wash away. Let the past stay in the past and look forward to a new day."
Funny, I feel so much "cleaner" now.
And I pooped! (According to the scale over a pound!)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Is this natural?
Everyone said that after the Ph.D. was over I would feel "different" that things would "change" or something like that. Well, I do feel different. There's less stress.That was to be expected. I feel odd when people call me Dr. Katz, though I do enjoy the sound of it. It's been a long time coming. Do I teach differently? I don't think so. Do I grade differently? Nope, that's the same. Still the same pushover.
But I do feel different. Maybe more confident is a good way to describe it. The newest mantra at work has been, "I survived a Ph.D. I can do that." And I have been doing just that. I'm almost 100% up to date on work. That's different. Not because I'm a slacker, but because I'm up to date and I've been getting sleep. Really good sleep, in spite of the head cold or whatever this plague is. I'm congested, sore throat and some fever. Yeah, first week of the new quarter tradition. Bring me all your kid's germs please. Thank you.
Missed my great-nephew's party because of it. Bad auntie, no biscuit.
Oh wait, today was a cleanse day on this program. That means all liquid all day. There's the magic detoxifying cleanse you get to drink. Not unlike prune juice really and not all that bad truth be told. As long as it's really cold. Tons of water. I think I've had more water today than the Titanic ever saw. Okay, maybe not that much, but I've run to the bathroom so many times I think I did walk a mile in the house. Still, I feel good. Congested yes, but I feel good.
And that's just not natural. I'm sure of it. Or I was.
The cleanse, I should add is not a heavy duty colon cleanse. It's cellular and it feels, well, different. And maybe, just maybe, natural.
But I do feel different. Maybe more confident is a good way to describe it. The newest mantra at work has been, "I survived a Ph.D. I can do that." And I have been doing just that. I'm almost 100% up to date on work. That's different. Not because I'm a slacker, but because I'm up to date and I've been getting sleep. Really good sleep, in spite of the head cold or whatever this plague is. I'm congested, sore throat and some fever. Yeah, first week of the new quarter tradition. Bring me all your kid's germs please. Thank you.
Missed my great-nephew's party because of it. Bad auntie, no biscuit.
Oh wait, today was a cleanse day on this program. That means all liquid all day. There's the magic detoxifying cleanse you get to drink. Not unlike prune juice really and not all that bad truth be told. As long as it's really cold. Tons of water. I think I've had more water today than the Titanic ever saw. Okay, maybe not that much, but I've run to the bathroom so many times I think I did walk a mile in the house. Still, I feel good. Congested yes, but I feel good.
And that's just not natural. I'm sure of it. Or I was.
The cleanse, I should add is not a heavy duty colon cleanse. It's cellular and it feels, well, different. And maybe, just maybe, natural.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day Four?
In spite of almost no sleep due to a puppy emergency and feeling upset/stressed about some issues at work I am pleased to say that I've had one shake and a salad.
I've been in a relatively level mood all day, even when I became hungry earlier (just before my salad) and allowed the stress to pretty much wash away on its own.
More energy and much more productive in general. I still need tomorrow to get caught up on paperwork and stuff, but the overall consensus is for the first few days: ROCK ON!
I've been in a relatively level mood all day, even when I became hungry earlier (just before my salad) and allowed the stress to pretty much wash away on its own.
More energy and much more productive in general. I still need tomorrow to get caught up on paperwork and stuff, but the overall consensus is for the first few days: ROCK ON!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Between the Shakes
My schedule has me teaching until 10PM Mon - Thurs. It's intense and makes for an awkward eating schedule. One shake before leaving for campus. A salad before class. Another shake at home. I can do this.
I wasn't hungry most of yesterday. I was drinking my water, though I didn't quite make the goal, which is partly because I have to teach for four hours and cannot be running back and forth to the restroom. I need to get my bladder back on teaching rhythm again. That will take a few days. But I wasn't hungry, until about 9:30 and then I WAS HUNGRY! It would another hour and a half before I could get home though. I'll try to remember to grab a few of the "stops your hunger" wafers for next time. The ones the puppies didn't eat yesterday.
Shake number two was consumed late last night. I added a little peanut butter to a "chocolate" one and it was...okay. Not sure if the taste justified the calories. What's interesting is that it sat just fine. No issues at all.
The best part of was this morning. I slept well. Really well. Didn't wake until the alarm went off at 6AM. Snoozed until 6:30 (that's normal) but when my feet hit the ground I was fully awake and in a great mood. Amazing!
Things on campus were a mess this morning. A professor went AWOL and I needed to cover and help get things straight. A breeze. Conference call that outlined more work than the pay justifies. Okay. Got work done without feeling pressured. No stress feelings at all! None. I'm smiling. Residual from the shakes? Supplements? Both? I like how this feels.
I did get coffee this morning. I'm not going to try to cut that from my diet at this point. I enjoy it as well as my tea. I'm feeling really good at the moment.
When I get home, I'll begin the official day two on the program and see if this great feeling continues. It should. I'm optimistic.
I wasn't hungry most of yesterday. I was drinking my water, though I didn't quite make the goal, which is partly because I have to teach for four hours and cannot be running back and forth to the restroom. I need to get my bladder back on teaching rhythm again. That will take a few days. But I wasn't hungry, until about 9:30 and then I WAS HUNGRY! It would another hour and a half before I could get home though. I'll try to remember to grab a few of the "stops your hunger" wafers for next time. The ones the puppies didn't eat yesterday.
Shake number two was consumed late last night. I added a little peanut butter to a "chocolate" one and it was...okay. Not sure if the taste justified the calories. What's interesting is that it sat just fine. No issues at all.
The best part of was this morning. I slept well. Really well. Didn't wake until the alarm went off at 6AM. Snoozed until 6:30 (that's normal) but when my feet hit the ground I was fully awake and in a great mood. Amazing!
Things on campus were a mess this morning. A professor went AWOL and I needed to cover and help get things straight. A breeze. Conference call that outlined more work than the pay justifies. Okay. Got work done without feeling pressured. No stress feelings at all! None. I'm smiling. Residual from the shakes? Supplements? Both? I like how this feels.
I did get coffee this morning. I'm not going to try to cut that from my diet at this point. I enjoy it as well as my tea. I'm feeling really good at the moment.
When I get home, I'll begin the official day two on the program and see if this great feeling continues. It should. I'm optimistic.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Day One
The journey to seeking health and balance began anew today. It's not that I've haven't tried other methods. I have. It's not even that I haven't had some success with the others. I have. So why this? Why now?
Mae. She's sick and tired of being sick and tired and was willing to try this method. It's hard to do these alone, so I said I would try it too. What have I got to lose (besides 50 lbs)? It might work for both of us. So, supplies arrived and now we're trying the program together.
I'll be honest as I post about it and share what's happening in my body. I'll do my best to be upfront and not hold back.
Mae made her shake first. It was the "chocolate" one. Tasted pretty...boring. Not offensive. Not gritty like the ones I did before. Just boring. Flat almost. I think I know how to make it more interesting, but that's for another day. I made a "vanilla" one. I added some extracts (vanilla and coffee) and it was a little better. Texture was okay. Just boring. You have to drink these in about ten minutes. That part was hard. Fortunately, I'm really good at choking things down. It hit my tummy like a brick and felt woozy for a little bit afterward. Next I took the supplements to help my metabolism and another for stress. Like rocket fuel. I've been going all day without a hitch. Only felt a little down in the past hour and since I only ate a salad and yogurt for "dinner" that's not bad. And no coffee. Didn't need it earlier.
It's early and obviously after only one shake I cannot make any predictions yet, but I am optimistic.
We'll know in a few more weeks if it's working. I have to have blood work done. They say the program will reduce and normalize blood sugar and lower my cholesterol. The numbers may or may not lie.
Mae. She's sick and tired of being sick and tired and was willing to try this method. It's hard to do these alone, so I said I would try it too. What have I got to lose (besides 50 lbs)? It might work for both of us. So, supplies arrived and now we're trying the program together.
I'll be honest as I post about it and share what's happening in my body. I'll do my best to be upfront and not hold back.
Mae made her shake first. It was the "chocolate" one. Tasted pretty...boring. Not offensive. Not gritty like the ones I did before. Just boring. Flat almost. I think I know how to make it more interesting, but that's for another day. I made a "vanilla" one. I added some extracts (vanilla and coffee) and it was a little better. Texture was okay. Just boring. You have to drink these in about ten minutes. That part was hard. Fortunately, I'm really good at choking things down. It hit my tummy like a brick and felt woozy for a little bit afterward. Next I took the supplements to help my metabolism and another for stress. Like rocket fuel. I've been going all day without a hitch. Only felt a little down in the past hour and since I only ate a salad and yogurt for "dinner" that's not bad. And no coffee. Didn't need it earlier.
It's early and obviously after only one shake I cannot make any predictions yet, but I am optimistic.
We'll know in a few more weeks if it's working. I have to have blood work done. They say the program will reduce and normalize blood sugar and lower my cholesterol. The numbers may or may not lie.
Milestones
We all have them. Some are obvious: birthdays, anniversaries, completion of something important to us. Some are life changing, others noteworthy and bring smiles or tears. We often use them as a way to mark changes in our lives or measure how far we've come. I once wrote a whole book about them and sometimes I wonder where life would have taken me if things didn't change so much 1992. Then again, I might have been dead by now if they hadn't. Funny thing about roads not taken, you never really do know. And I'm not complaining about where life has taken me either.
These past few weeks have marked several important milestones for me. Completing the Ph.D. was huge. I'm still in shock and get confused when people address me as Dr. Katz. Am I supposed to be in wiggle vision? Mostly, I giggle or do the happy dance of joy. It's a big milestone.
That milestone brought another one: I'm no longer a student in the formal sense. It feels weird. I don't have to keep looking at my dissertation, tweaking words here and there. It's done. Weird.
It's been two years since my surgery, the one where I almost died in the OR. My body is still not "back" from it. The scars are fading, but the pain is still there. I was told after my gallbladder came out that I would be able to eat anything, and feel so much better. Well, I did start to eat meat again. I used to be vegetarian bordering on vegan, but after the surgery I would wake up shaking needing to eat meat. I learned a long time ago that when your body screams for something that much you should have it. I'm still about 80% vegetarian based diet, but some days....
The big milestone was my son turning 25. Wow. I don't feel old enough for that to be true, but it is. He's become such a wonderful young man. I'm beyond proud of him. He brings so much joy into my life and the lives of people he interacts with. He's a real blessing. We celebrated with an amazing dinner filled with laughter and fun.
And today marks another milestone. I've started a nutritional program (again) with Mae. We're sharing the experience together. I'll write about that journey as well under different posts, so you can skip or read them at will.
As I was writing this (I'm on campus now) I realized in one of those great flashes you have just how far I've really come. How life didn't end up in the pretty house with the picket fence and a retirement fund, but I'm content. I have two children that have grown into wonderful people and my friends. I have a career path and today I actually have felt valued. The journey is really just beginning....
These past few weeks have marked several important milestones for me. Completing the Ph.D. was huge. I'm still in shock and get confused when people address me as Dr. Katz. Am I supposed to be in wiggle vision? Mostly, I giggle or do the happy dance of joy. It's a big milestone.
That milestone brought another one: I'm no longer a student in the formal sense. It feels weird. I don't have to keep looking at my dissertation, tweaking words here and there. It's done. Weird.
It's been two years since my surgery, the one where I almost died in the OR. My body is still not "back" from it. The scars are fading, but the pain is still there. I was told after my gallbladder came out that I would be able to eat anything, and feel so much better. Well, I did start to eat meat again. I used to be vegetarian bordering on vegan, but after the surgery I would wake up shaking needing to eat meat. I learned a long time ago that when your body screams for something that much you should have it. I'm still about 80% vegetarian based diet, but some days....
The big milestone was my son turning 25. Wow. I don't feel old enough for that to be true, but it is. He's become such a wonderful young man. I'm beyond proud of him. He brings so much joy into my life and the lives of people he interacts with. He's a real blessing. We celebrated with an amazing dinner filled with laughter and fun.
And today marks another milestone. I've started a nutritional program (again) with Mae. We're sharing the experience together. I'll write about that journey as well under different posts, so you can skip or read them at will.
As I was writing this (I'm on campus now) I realized in one of those great flashes you have just how far I've really come. How life didn't end up in the pretty house with the picket fence and a retirement fund, but I'm content. I have two children that have grown into wonderful people and my friends. I have a career path and today I actually have felt valued. The journey is really just beginning....
Friday, October 1, 2010
Numbers Might Lie
According to the American Bar Association site:
In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey of 16,000 participants, equally male and female).
I cannot speak for anyone other than myself, but I can say with confidence that the journey back to self takes at least one year for every year lived with abuse. It takes enormous strength and determination. Pete Seeger said in Letter to Eve "if you want to have a great love, you've got to have a great anger" - and boy do you ever live in anger for a long time. Some of it is self-directed. You ask yourself, "How did I let that happen? What's wrong with me?" You ask the Universe, "Why did you let this happen to me?" You point fingers, you look for places to blame. You become crazy as you seek your sanity.
Then one day, without warning you realize that the past is the past and you don't have to live there. You begin to reach out to your loved ones, to total strangers, to anyone (real or imagined) and talk through your emotions. On good days you dream. On the bad days you cry. Most days you do some of both.
You think you're past it all and it comes crashing down without warning. You have nightmares, you hear the old tapes playing in your head. And you have to start all over again. And you live in a cycle that is so severe doctors try to label you bi-polar. You're not. You've just been that beaten down that far. And you have lost your ability to cope full time.
Then the truly impossible happens. Your name is being read aloud, you're walking across a stage, you're being addressed as "Doctor." You have a great job with a promise of brighter future. You are humbled looking back knowing none of this was possible without the shoulders of so many who held you up for so long.
You've been blessed. You know that now you have an unspoken mandate. To reach backwards and help others as you keep your eyes forward and once again, dream.
In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey of 16,000 participants, equally male and female).
Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence, at iii (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htmThose number sound frightening, but they might not tell the whole story. Empirical and anecdotal evidence suggest the numbers are higher. Nor do these numbers reflect emotional and psychological abuse. Nor do these numbers demonstrate how many victims never move beyond their prisons, never leave, die physically or wither away and live empty lives as shells of their former selves. Nor do they reflect how many victims become survivors and leave the past where it belongs. Or just how hard that struggle really is.
I cannot speak for anyone other than myself, but I can say with confidence that the journey back to self takes at least one year for every year lived with abuse. It takes enormous strength and determination. Pete Seeger said in Letter to Eve "if you want to have a great love, you've got to have a great anger" - and boy do you ever live in anger for a long time. Some of it is self-directed. You ask yourself, "How did I let that happen? What's wrong with me?" You ask the Universe, "Why did you let this happen to me?" You point fingers, you look for places to blame. You become crazy as you seek your sanity.
Then one day, without warning you realize that the past is the past and you don't have to live there. You begin to reach out to your loved ones, to total strangers, to anyone (real or imagined) and talk through your emotions. On good days you dream. On the bad days you cry. Most days you do some of both.
You think you're past it all and it comes crashing down without warning. You have nightmares, you hear the old tapes playing in your head. And you have to start all over again. And you live in a cycle that is so severe doctors try to label you bi-polar. You're not. You've just been that beaten down that far. And you have lost your ability to cope full time.
Then the truly impossible happens. Your name is being read aloud, you're walking across a stage, you're being addressed as "Doctor." You have a great job with a promise of brighter future. You are humbled looking back knowing none of this was possible without the shoulders of so many who held you up for so long.
You've been blessed. You know that now you have an unspoken mandate. To reach backwards and help others as you keep your eyes forward and once again, dream.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
We All Have Our Stories
Everyone has something to tell. Something to share. Something that might just help a friend along their journey. Something that will make everyone laugh. Something that will make everyone cry. It's part of what we all call, "life" that strange journey that may or may not hold deeper meaning. I'd like to believe it holds leagues of meaning, layers of meaning.; each filled with their own stories and textures and songs.
I also dream. Lots.
I didn't always dream. There was a time I was scared all the time. There was a time when my journey wasn't holding as much promise:
The cycle has been broken. Today, one of the biggest dreams, one that holds the potential to change everything in so many ways came completely true. My official transcript says: Degree conferred: September 30, 2010. It's truly finalized now. I am a Ph.D.
People wanted to know how I celebrated the event. Yes, walking in August was amazing. Yes, going away for a week to the Southeast was wonderful and the Great Smokies majestic as ever.
Today I decided to embark on a different journey. One that might, possibly help me to live a life without as much physical pain from years of living in a van. Or help me to find the person hiding behind the extra pounds. Today, thanks to my very best girlfriend, Mae, I joined "Team Awesome" in search of the key to unlock myself and live in comfort.
Thanks Mae. Thanks Julie. And thank you to that wonderful breed of puppies that brought us all together: The Most Noble Pibble.
I also dream. Lots.
I didn't always dream. There was a time I was scared all the time. There was a time when my journey wasn't holding as much promise:
The day was May 16, 1992. The only reason that it is important is that it was the last time someone hit me in anger or violence. The events prior to that day however compelling, moving, or disturbing they may be are not the focus of my story. That was the past; a part of what helped me become who I am today, but not how I define myself in the present tense. That was the day I said, “No more. There are choices to be made, and the choice I am making now is to break the cycle.”
The cycle has been broken. Today, one of the biggest dreams, one that holds the potential to change everything in so many ways came completely true. My official transcript says: Degree conferred: September 30, 2010. It's truly finalized now. I am a Ph.D.
People wanted to know how I celebrated the event. Yes, walking in August was amazing. Yes, going away for a week to the Southeast was wonderful and the Great Smokies majestic as ever.
Today I decided to embark on a different journey. One that might, possibly help me to live a life without as much physical pain from years of living in a van. Or help me to find the person hiding behind the extra pounds. Today, thanks to my very best girlfriend, Mae, I joined "Team Awesome" in search of the key to unlock myself and live in comfort.
Thanks Mae. Thanks Julie. And thank you to that wonderful breed of puppies that brought us all together: The Most Noble Pibble.
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