Time evaporates faster as you get older. Or as the quarter slips away. Take your pick. It's been intense these past few weeks.
For one, it's the "dark time" of the year for me. I slipped into a really bad depression a few weeks back. Life just got to be too much and the memories of the past were winning. Then Macy's Day happened. Well, at least I think it happened. I spent that whole weekend really sick. The kind of sick that worries everyone around you and end up calling 911 because everyone around you thinks you're having a heart attack. That's just silly. I'm a professor and we all know that professors lack hearts.
It wasn't my heart. It was Stomach Plague v. 2.0. In living color, with surround sound, and 3D. In short, it was horrible. Then it took almost another whole week to get back to feeling normal (or some close approximation of normal anyhow).
Funny thing though, it gave me lots of time to think, reflect and reconsider some things in my life. I've started to look at other possibilities for work now. Send out query letters for other teaching positions here and abroad. Been thinking about maybe it being time to leave this region. I don't know for sure if that's truly in the cards. The house is worth much less than I owe (thank you economy) so selling is not really an option. Still, I'll keep an open mind and see what happens. I guess the realization of the terminal degree has been hard too. Nothing dramatic happened. I feel duped. Everyone said, "it will open so many new doors" that I was hoping it would be instant. I knew it couldn't be that way, but still, I hoped. Well, one big thing happened. The dissertation is being turned into a book by a company in Germany of all places. I'll post the ISBN when it's assigned to me. And then giggle.
I had car trouble a week ago. Nothing major as it turned out (deep sigh of relief) but it made me realize how truly alone I am in the world. This doesn't mean that my family isn't precious to me, they are. But as I sat in the car waiting for AAA to arrive I realized that I was alone. It hit hard. A defining moment in some ways (though that might sound odd) as I had to deal with the reality of there being no one in the world that "takes care of me" no special someone that will "rescue" me or even lend a hand. At least it happened at a McDs parking lot so I had a bathroom nearby. If this sounds silly, remember I lived on the road for four years. Car trouble pushes some deep triggers. In fact, my last marriage was almost based on car issues. Sometimes the ghosts from the past come in the form of getting your battery jumped. Weird.
So, on the issues of the health and weight -- I was able to get into a skirt I bought EIGHT years ago. It fits me again! The scale is broken so I cannot say for sure, but I think it's now around 30 lbs down. And the program continues to amaze me. I continue to feel better when I remember to follow the plan. Being sick for a few days, I lost my way. It's better now.
Now if only the grades would post without me helping the process. Oh well, back to work again and I'll try to remember...I have this blog....
