Really upsetting video. I was lucky to never have been hit this hard...but the scars run deep. Each year in October I remember.
I have recently seen the usual "lists" that go around each year to help identify whether or not you are in abusive relationship. Be careful. Those checklists may well point out some abuse however, they are mostly concerned with unhealthy relationships. There is a difference.
He rarely hit your face that hard...he was careful to hide the bruises...but he hit you that hard. Oh yes he did, Mama. He hit you that hard in Florida and you called the cops with blood running down your face. He hit you that hard in PA too, when he knocked the soft contact lens from your eye and left your back black-and-blue with bruises. He left hand prints on you all the time....maybe you couldn't see them? Maybe you didn't want to....but I saw them. I remember.
ReplyDeleteBut you know what? You got out. You beat the odds. You ESCAPED!! And you got me and my baby brother out, too. With no money. No job. No real home to speak of....YOU did that. Maybe there were a lot of people who helped after you took that first step, but YOU and YOU alone took the first step.
Thanks, Mom. <3
Funny how memory is selective. I guess he did hit me that hard...sometimes. I guess there were numerous times I wanted to leave and maybe even tried. I know I was scared. I know I was paralyzed more often than not and ashamed. That's the worst of it all. The shame.
ReplyDeleteThat feeling of utter failure where you would sooner hide the bruises than ask for help. You think you must have caused it. That somehow, you and you alone, made that hand land on your body and if you could only just not complain or accept that this was your lot in life it would somehow get better.
It did get better in 1992 when we left that life behind us. It got better again in 2007 when Prissy-Puss forced our hand again and we struck out on our own. Yes, with the help of others, but still On. Our. Own.
It terrifies me when I stop to think about the past. How close I know I came to dying. How much I wanted to sleep and not wake in the morning. How I would curse the Gods because in spite of my begging, They betrayed me each day with the sunlight. Now of course I'm glad of the betrayal. Still, the memories linger.
We all beat the odds. We did it because we've always had each other. We've always been able to support each other. Even as small children, you and your brother gave me the strength and the will with our naive hugs and kisses. Your smile Mae, your little hands reaching for me, and your eyes sparkling as you crawled into my lap, or now lean into me and spill pure love out of every pore. Your brother murmuring in his sleep, "I still kiss eyes" or bringing dandelion fluffs for us to make wishes upon. Now his strong arms reach around and hug with an intensity so filled with love that my eyes fill with tears thinking about it.
I may have taken the first steps, but you and brother were my compass. I love you too. Always.