Numbers Might Lie

According to the American Bar Association site:

In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey of 16,000 participants, equally male and female).

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence, at iii (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

Those number sound frightening, but they might not tell the whole story. Empirical and anecdotal evidence suggest the numbers are higher. Nor do these numbers reflect emotional and psychological abuse. Nor do these numbers demonstrate how many victims never move beyond their prisons, never leave, die physically or wither away and live empty lives as shells of their former selves. Nor do they reflect how many victims become survivors and leave the past where it belongs. Or just how hard that struggle really is.

I cannot speak for anyone other than myself, but I can say with confidence that the journey back to self takes at least one year for every year lived with abuse. It takes enormous strength and determination. Pete Seeger said in Letter to Eve "if you want to have a great love, you've got to have a great anger" - and boy do you ever live in anger for a long time. Some of it is self-directed. You ask yourself, "How did I let that happen? What's wrong with me?" You ask the Universe, "Why did you let this happen to me?" You point fingers, you look for places to blame. You become crazy as you seek your sanity.

Then one day, without warning you realize that the past is the past and you don't have to live there. You begin to reach out to your loved ones, to total strangers, to anyone (real or imagined) and talk through your emotions. On good days you dream. On the bad days you cry. Most days you do some of both.

You think you're past it all and it comes crashing down without warning. You have nightmares, you hear the old tapes playing in your head. And you have to start all over again. And you live in a cycle that is so severe doctors try to label you bi-polar. You're not. You've just been that beaten down that far. And you have lost your ability to cope full time.

Then the truly impossible happens. Your name is being read aloud, you're walking across a stage, you're being addressed as "Doctor." You have a great job with a promise of brighter future. You are humbled looking back knowing none of this was possible without the shoulders of so many who held you up for so long.

You've been blessed. You know that now you have an unspoken mandate. To reach backwards and help others as you keep your eyes forward and once again, dream.