It's been about a week since my last post because life has been, well, hectic. Midterms at Strayer and getting ready to close the books at Drexel for their quarter (heavens forfend that the schools would align!) so I've been doing due diligence as a professor. Lots of grading. Lots of grading with focus and no real issues I should add. In fact, this is usually one of the most stressful times of the year and it's been flowing smoothly and easily. Life is, as they say, pretty darn good.
Today should be a stressful button pushing day. November 9th was my Dad's birthday. He's been gone almost seven years now and I miss him all the time. This is also the beginning of the "dark time" of my year. It's filled with memories of deaths. Mom passed on November 30th 29 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her in some way. Then there's her birthday December 17th and their anniversary the 28th. Dad passed on December 21st. Not a happy season by any measure and usually about now I'm bouncing off the walls and ready to kill anyone who looks at me sideways.
I'm not feeling it this year. I don't think it's the magic of time either. I think the program has done wonders for balancing out my stress and my attitude. I've been feeling hopeful about life. Hopeful about opportunities real and half dreamed. In short, I am at peace in my own skin. Skin that is shrinking I might add. The scale at home is being wonky so I'm not using it really. The variances are too much for me to believe and I haven't taken tape measure to body again, but if my clothing is any indication...I'm smaller. That's all good news, but the really cool part is feeling in control of my life and my choices.
This is the antithesis of being abused. This is the payoff I was told came with the degree being completed. This is the payoff I was told came with leaving an abusive relationship. It literally feels as if the stars have aligned and I'm on my way to something....different. I am leaving myself open to new opportunities, even ones that I might have turned down in the past. I am letting the Universe in all its glory and wisdom guide me this time. It's a change from my past behavior, and it feels right now. This is my time to let things come to me.
I want to know more about your journey...I have some things in common with you...I am in the process right now of exposure of these injustices, it is sometimes really scary. But I must press on. I am happy for you and the respite from the abuse and illness.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the increased feelings of well-being!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about a "dark" time of the year; for me, it's May. But it's gotten better as time has passed.
Your mom and I share a birth date...she must have been an awesome person! ;-)
Sherry, the journey has been a work in progress since 1992 and it's not always pretty or easy. The rewards are worth every tear. It got scary and lonely in spite of the amazing support I was blessed with because in the dark hours of the night, when you're all alone with your thoughts it was easy to imagine the worst. Funny thing, mornings always came and the fears went into the background again. I won't lie, it takes constant work, but it's worth it. If you want to email me to discuss anything "offline" feel free to. The email is tzipora at tziporak dot com.
ReplyDeleteHi Debby,
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't get "easier" so much as "different" with each passing year. Some years are harder than others. I think I cried my tears in August when I graduated and realized that neither of my parents ever saw me graduate from anything beyond high school. That hurt.
My mom was a wise and wonderful woman. She was typical of her sign - adventurous, fun loving and insane. You really cannot ask for more in a mommy. I know on some level she's still watching and I try really hard to keep that thought close to my heart.
My life, like most people's has been filled with great heights and great depths. Still, you cannot know the heights until you've felt the depths so in the end, it's all good. I'm one of the luckier women though. I got out and lived to tell the tale!
I remember your parents and I recall thinking that they were very engaged and forward thinking. Also, their hospitality to me and their liberalism as you and I were experimenting with hot rum toddies.
ReplyDeleteIt is a dark time of year, with physical, astronomical and emotional causes. But if we know one thing (on many levels) the darkest dark indicates that the growing light is soon at hand.
My parents were odd ones compared to most at the time. They were always there for me, I was too young to really appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteThey really liked you as well, in fact my mom used to ask me, "Why don't you date someone nice like Andy the Bassoon." LOL! (Bet you haven't been called that in years!)